001 [Video]: Oh, Canada.

[vaguelysauntered]

[The NV turns on, showing a very sleek-looking dark-haired man with sharp cheekbones and sunglasses smirking at the camera. Even over the NV, one can tell that this is a person who knows he's better than everyone else around him- there is no uncertainty in his features, just full-on arrogance. When he finally speaks, his English accent is so smooth one can practically roll a carpet on it.]

Well, let's see here. You know, I've been going through this thing's previous posts and such, and wow, all the entries from people who have just arrived really share a lot in common. You'd think that there's some kind of checklist that we have to get through once we arrive. Like, number one, you must certainly, without a doubt, ask "where am I?" or "what is going on?" or "why have I been dragged across time and space itself to the wretched wannabe of a place that is Canada?" Because finding out things by asking people who might lie to your face instead of quietly gathering information by your lonesome is clearly the way to go.

[A pause as he lets that sink in.]

Second, you must ask where your friends or family or dog or beloved garden gnome is in this place. Which, most of the time, results in nothing but statements like "No, I haven't seen your gnome" to "Oh, yes, your gnome was here before, but I'm not sure where he's gone off to now, sorry about that".So why bother asking? No, I'm going to skip that part entirely- I've already checked the NV for the people I know and they're not here, so, just look at all the time I saved.

Third, you may either a), mention that you "can't stay here because you have something important to go back to" or b), basically give your whole life story to people because you can. I'm not doing the first option because, frankly, I'd rather not repeat the Apocalypse all over again, thank you, and I'm not doing the second one because, honestly, I'd rather keep all of you in the dark. Why in the world should I reveal who I am or what I do without knowing exactly who lives in this place?

[He grins widely.]

What I can tell you is that the name's Crowley. [He pronounces it like it rhymes with "holy".] Anthony J. Crowley. And I do not need your pats on the back or your offers to be my best friend ever or your little cheerful fake welcomes. All I need is information about the darkness at night and how this city works and other such things.

Do be nice and provide it to me. I'm sure a few of you have the collective brain to do so.

Comments

video;

[paterelohim]

[Not... sure if want. He's an angel, but- fallen. More than Fallen in the Anna, Cas, or even Gabriel sense- but different than Lucifer. And... Crowley?]

Crowley? Really?

video;

[vaguelysauntered]

Yes, really. What, have a problem with it? It's a perfectly fine name.

permatext

[hejhej]

I didn't ask any of these questions.

Where do I fit in?

text forever

[vaguelysauntered]

Well, you'd be one of the more interesting ones, then. You don't fit in with the status quo. Like me.

But whether that's a good thing or not has yet to be seen.

[Voice]

[integrity]

You are saying it completely wrong.

[The laziest British accent you have ever heard.]

[Voice]

[vaguelysauntered]

[EXCUSE ME DID YOU JUST DISS HIS NAME]

Look who's talking. Who taught you how to speak in that accent, your ex-girlfriend from Wales?

[Video]

[ofthursday]

Are you the Crowley from Aziraphale's world?

[And he pronounces your name his Crowley's way. Sorry bro.]

[Video | Offline]

[integrity]

Don't speak to him, you'll ruin your brain cell count more than you already have.

[JUST GETTING ALL UP IN YOUR SHIT.]

video.

[ex_stakes70]

Well aren't you just buckets of sunshine and puppies? [ But really it's time for srs bzns. ] You had me at Apocalypse. Which one?

video.

[vaguelysauntered]

Considering this place is devoid of said puppies and said sunshine, I'd though I'd match the mood.

[He scoffs a bit.] Which one? Listen, it's the Apocalypse. It doesn't happen over and over again like reruns on the telly, it was just the Apocalypse. Armageddon. The end of the world. Whatever the bloody hell you want to call it.

[ video ]

[hostage]

[Hey, he's special. His first post had nothing to do with any of that shit.]

Uh... Basically if you hear the sirens and it's getting dark, get your ass inside.

[ video ]

[vaguelysauntered]

[Good for you! Too bad Crowley doesn't care.]

Sweet and to the point, I guess. What if you do not get your behind inside before the darkness sets in, though? Where do you go?

[video]

[murasamia]

Hey, no need to be so rude about it, amigo! It's pretty surprising when you first get here, you know!

[video]

[vaguelysauntered]

I can be rude about it all I want. Last time I checked, Canada was a free wannabe country. So, there.

And surprise? Who needs it? I got the gist of things by searching it out on my own, what would running around like a chicken with my head cut off do for me?

video;

[momchester]

If you're this savvy at getting information, why didn't you talk to the Greeter about it?

[Spoiler alert: she was there. But she was off to the side, smoking a cigarette in the shadow of the dugout and creeper-watching. So many people are rude to her colleagues, gosh.]

video;

[vaguelysauntered]

Because I didn't want the happy-go-lucky smiles and welcomings that I knew I would hear out of them. I just need the facts, I don't need the facts wrapped in layers of smiley wrapping paper tied with a bright yellow bow, thank you very much.

Video

[vinovidivici]

[ A new challenger in sheer arrogance appears! With a Hell's Kitchen accent that would shred any carpets that got rolled on it. ]

I got a tip for you: it's smart to have something to offer in return if you're makin' demands for information.

Video

[vaguelysauntered]

[Oh, this is interesting. Crowley smirks, slightly intrigued.]

It also depends on what you want. Because usually, I can provide.

[Video]

[bloodthirsts]

You could try being polite about it at least.

[Video]

[vaguelysauntered]

Why?

No, really, why? Just so people can treat me better? I don't need friends and nice people who will pamper my every need, I need people who can give me information.

[Text, private.]

[fridgetothefire]

Once it gets dark, everything that isn't sealed up starts to rot and crumble away. Including people, if you stay in the same place too long.

And everything's crawling with monsters. They mostly look like...really twisted, mangled people or animals. And they pretty much all want to eat you. There's information on the different kinds in whatever you're using to talk to us right now.

[Text, private.]

[vaguelysauntered]

[Okay, finally, somebody has given him good information. This is appreciated.]

Thanks, I was wondering how long I would get something like this.

So, are there any havens during the night? Or are you pretty much left on your own to fend off against monsters all by yourself?

video;

[unfeasible]

If you die, you turn into one of those things for a while until you get brought back.

video;

[vaguelysauntered]

Okay, first explain the fact that you get brought back from the dead. Because that is something that is not at all ordinary.

And what turns you into the monsters? The dark forces of the place or what?

video;

[servingfather]

[So that angel who's portrayed crushing Satan under his foot with sword in hand? This is him.

No go away. Michael doesn't want anymore angels - fallen or not. Though he seems pretty casual about it.]

We have greeters for a reason. They should be doing more than offering a cheerful fake welcome.

video;

[vaguelysauntered]

[Oh, no, oh no, oh no, this...this isn't good. He hasn't had such a close encounter with an archangel since his time up in Heaven, so he visibly tenses, clutching the tire iron that came with him out of frame involuntarily.]

Well, let's just say that I wanted to skip it anyways. I find more on my own, after all.

[Just glaring at you forever, Michael. Stay away, man. >BI]

[jackedthename]

The Apocalypse, huh?

[Aaaand cue the charming smile, because really. How can he resist dem cheekbones.]

Pretty sure I've done that before, too.

[vaguelysauntered]

Is this "Let's Share Stories About the Apocalypse" Day or something? Because I seriously missed a memo.

[Really, this is just crazy.]

How many people here have gone through the whole event, anyways?

[video]

[thehighcost]

Well, hello there second Crowley! What can I help with? Maybe point you in the way of a good bar?

[video]

[vaguelysauntered]

[What.]

[What is happening.]

[IS THIS THE REAL LIFE]

[IS THIS JUST FANTASY-]

...Um. Yeah. A-a bar would be good.

[THE LAST TIME HE SAW YOU YOU WERE IN A MOTORCYCLE HELMET AND YELLING EVERYTHING WHAT IS GOING ONNNNN]

video;

[predominates]

[ Look at those cheekbones. It must be her birthday.

Though Irene has a silky English accent that could certainly rival his. ]

Shame. Are you sure you were looking hard enough? I think you missed mine.

video;

[vaguelysauntered]

[They're the best cheekbones in town at the moment, probably. And he looks bemused.]

Really? Let me get a closer look then, see if I can find it among the multitude.

video; filter to all angel/demon/Gods/etc

[athermercy]

Oh Crowley? I heard so much about you!

[How cheerful genuine welcome from local Gods? Elaine grins and waves at the camera.]

Adam was awfully fond of you and Aziraphale.

video; filter to all angel/demon/Gods/etc

[vaguelysauntered]

...Really?

[He just stares at her for a minute. He has never met her as far as he knows, but if she was friends with Adam, then she's definitely not your average girl-next-door. So he replies, carefully:]

Was he? Well good to know, much better than absolute loathing, I guess.

[worldhaditsway]

...You're kidding. [YOU ARE NOT CROWLEY, YOU... YOU... IMPOSTER.]

[vaguelysauntered]

About which part?

[HEY NOW NO NEED TO BE SO NEGATIVE MAN THERE ARE MULTIPLE CROWLEYS DEAL WITH IT BI]

[uberboned]

So do I just call you AJ or Crow? I'm okay with either.

[vaguelysauntered]

[He makes a face, because first, whoah, it's Gabriel, not happy to see you around even though he was expecting it and second, GABRIEL THOSE ARE THE WORST NICKNAMES GET OUT.]

AJ sounds like the name of a bratty teenager with acne and the other is the name of a bird. Insert coin, try again.

Besides, can't you call me Crowley like any normal person would?

[hisoldgirl]

With all the other information you were able to obtain using your NV, you could not find the answers you're looking for now?

[vaguelysauntered]

Eh, I admit, I started, but half of the posts were things like "blah blah blah said someone broke up with me blah" or "blah life sucks here blah" or some variation of either one.

Nobody was talking about this darkness stuff because apparently everyone already knew about it. Which is why I turned to you all to share the details.

voice;

[enigmaestro]

You're enjoying this, aren't you? The sly antagonism.

voice;

[vaguelysauntered]

Me, enjoying this? I think I would be enjoying it more if, you know, I were somewhere other than Canada.

And somewhere without all the creepy things that come out and try to eat you at night, that too.

[longaevus]

Do you have anything more specific that you'd like to know?

[vaguelysauntered]

What are the major buildings I need be aware of around here? Capitol building, law enforcement office, company headquarters, etcetera.