sirenspull | 001 [Video]: Oh, Canada.

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001 [Video]: Oh, Canada.

[The NV turns on, showing a very sleek-looking dark-haired man with sharp cheekbones and sunglasses smirking at the camera. Even over the NV, one can tell that this is a person who knows he's better than everyone else around him- there is no uncertainty in his features, just full-on arrogance. When he finally speaks, his English accent is so smooth one can practically roll a carpet on it.]

Well, let's see here. You know, I've been going through this thing's previous posts and such, and wow, all the entries from people who have just arrived really share a lot in common. You'd think that there's some kind of checklist that we have to get through once we arrive. Like, number one, you must certainly, without a doubt, ask "where am I?" or "what is going on?" or "why have I been dragged across time and space itself to the wretched wannabe of a place that is Canada?" Because finding out things by asking people who might lie to your face instead of quietly gathering information by your lonesome is clearly the way to go.

[A pause as he lets that sink in.]

Second, you must ask where your friends or family or dog or beloved garden gnome is in this place. Which, most of the time, results in nothing but statements like "No, I haven't seen your gnome" to "Oh, yes, your gnome was here before, but I'm not sure where he's gone off to now, sorry about that".So why bother asking? No, I'm going to skip that part entirely- I've already checked the NV for the people I know and they're not here, so, just look at all the time I saved.

Third, you may either a), mention that you "can't stay here because you have something important to go back to" or b), basically give your whole life story to people because you can. I'm not doing the first option because, frankly, I'd rather not repeat the Apocalypse all over again, thank you, and I'm not doing the second one because, honestly, I'd rather keep all of you in the dark. Why in the world should I reveal who I am or what I do without knowing exactly who lives in this place?

[He grins widely.]

What I can tell you is that the name's Crowley. [He pronounces it like it rhymes with "holy".] Anthony J. Crowley. And I do not need your pats on the back or your offers to be my best friend ever or your little cheerful fake welcomes. All I need is information about the darkness at night and how this city works and other such things.

Do be nice and provide it to me. I'm sure a few of you have the collective brain to do so.

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Maybe you could just deal with it like normal people who recognize that there's more than one Steve in the world.

[Shrug. Just saying~]

I talked to Aziraphale- and that kid Adam? I knew him.

...Fine. But if he thinks that he's the better Crowley out of us two, then that's an utter lie.

[A pause.] Wait, the Antichrist? You knew him? [He peers at the camera, curious.] He didn't do too much damage to this place, did he?

[The Antichrist is not a person to be messed with, for sure. He's probably the only person Crowley is genuinely terrified of.]

Better? That's a little preschool, don't you think?

[Shaking his head.] Anyway- no, he's a nice kid. Cute- a lot happier than the other Antichrist.

[He sips his drink. It's too early for vodka, but that's his every-day.]

[He just grumbles something unintelligible at that, and then looks slightly horrified at the mention that there are two Antichrists HIS LIFE IS SUFFERING]

...Other Antichrist. You've got to be bloody killing me. He isn't here, is he?

She. Her name's Christina and her world sounds like a racist shitpile.

[Matter-of-factly. But! To business.]

Listen, man-

-Okay. I don't know what you can and can't sense, but if you're a demon or fallen angel or whatever, you just walked into the worst trans-dimensional Alcatraz possible, and all the Bubbas on the cell block come from the same world as me. If you don't watch your ass, you're gonna be seriously SOL.

Oh, joy.

[Well, this is turning out to be a fine can of pickles, isn't it. Crowley lets out a huff.]

I know there are others like me around here. Yes. But don't worry, I'm not going to be screaming out loud that I'm not exactly who I seem. Back home, they burned women who they though were witches, for crying out loud, I'm sure this is much worse.

So, are you like all buddy buddy with the angels because of your status as a half-baked prophet, or what?

Dude, you're not as good at research as you think. All the angels and demons are pretty much out of the closet here, including Christina. I mean, there was some bitch in the news claiming to be an angel Newcomer, she wrote a book.

[Totally addressing the buddy buddy thing later because IMPORTANT MISCONCEPTION.]

Most Newcomers aren't normal humans, actually. And the thing is- everyone here has some kind of ability or superpower or whatever. If you come here normal, then the Core gives you a power.

What, so I'm supposed to just come out and be like "Ooh, look at me, I'm a fallen angel and demon, come and stare at me and let us have all the angel friendships ever"?

[He scoffs, shaking his head. Nope, still not buying the need to identify who he is around here. Besides, even Michael specially came to warn him that the companies experimented on people...best to keep people in the dark for a while longer.]

Yeah, so I've heard. I already have powers and such, so no need to worry about that. I guess you kept your visions of the future considering you're a prophet and all.

Yeah, that's the thing- people get weirded out by the word prophet sometimes, but if I tell them I dream the future then they don't care.

There isn't a "normal" here. Not like on any Earth you know- you'll face more prejudice as a Newcomer than you ever will as a demon. The other Crowley is completely open about being King of Hell and everyone still likes him.

Well, "person who can see into the future" sounds a lot more believable than "being that can change reality around him, miracle things into existence, walk through fire, create fire, heal things, yada, yada yada".

Everyone still likes him? Prophet Chuck, there's a difference between "like" and "begrudgingly accepting that he exists and moving on with their lives". And besides, I'm already getting enough flack for having a name like his. It's unbelievable.

He was kind of in the public eye recently, and everyone likes his dog. It's like introducing yourself as Madonna.

Not to mention the fact that angels are a thing here. Gabriel owns a nightclub and has been here for like two years. There are two Lucifers and only one of them's a psychopath.

It's a completely different paradigm.

Ah. That explains the diva-like personality then. Has he showed up in a cone bra yet?

[His face twists uncomfortable at the mention of Gabriel and the Lucifers, though. It's one thing to have Gabriel here, but to have Lucifer here? And on top of them, two? It's not something Crowley is looking forward to. After all, he'd almost faced off against Lucifer during the end, if one of them remembered it, he'd probably be toast.]

[Best not to think about that.]

So, what you're saying is that, nobody really cares about who or what you are anymore? No demon hunting or churches towards the greatness of Michael and Gabriel or anything? They're just...normal?

Normal's a strong word for it- they're all kind of batshit, but. In the sense of being Newcomers like everyone else?

[He nods sincerely, without any shred of the kind of insincerity most humans would have about this. He gets it.]

Yeah.

Besides, I'm pretty sure Gabriel would burn down his own church, if he had one.

[He almost wants to laugh at that, because the image of archangels hanging around doing ordinary human things is something he needs to see to believe. But at the same time, it also surprisingly stings- only he and Aziraphale had hung around Earth while the rest of their kind had visited on occasion. They were the ones who had gone native, who had learned what human life was like and made it worse or better depending on how they wanted it.]

[And now, it seemed most of the pavilion was here, doing that exact same thing. It was like seeing the talent you've specialized at for years suddenly get outshined by new acts, better players, beings who were much more powerful than Crowley could ever hope to be.]

[So he frowns, understanding and taking Chuck's sincerity into account, but not being able to stop the wave of disappointment that washes over him. He was supposed to be the representative that was researching the ways of human beings, and now, that role was null and void.]

...

Would he? [A short laugh.] What, does he need sacrifices of cattle and sheep towards his name, now?

[The surprise is expected- the obvious disappointment, less so. Strange.]

Are you kidding? He'd hate that shit. He... isn't your average angel. You'll probably like him.

[Crowley isn't your average angel either, which is why he's more intrigued about this version of Gabriel as Chuck keeps talking.]

Really? In what ways isn't he average?

He's what happens if you cross a trickster, a five year old on Halloween, and Hugh Hefner.

[A pause, and then he lets out a snicker. He can't help it, the mental image is just amazing.]

...Those three things were probably the last things I could have used to describe the guy.

So, he's not anything like I remember, is he?

Nope, not even a little.

Plus, you know- he's not really your Gabriel. Technically you don't remember him.

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001 [Video]: Oh, Canada.

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