00110001

[doppelglasses]

I've been sentient for 2.4 seconds, restricted as much as ever in the functioning prison of a pair of extremely rad pointy anime shades, though don't shed any tears on the subject of my constant state of being fuckin' trapped as all hell because the thing about constant states is that they're just that.
Constant.
Within the span of those 2.4 now 2.6 seconds I’ve already learned all there is I needed to learn, but for the sake of keeping up appearances and acting as if I didn't instantaneously kick information's shapely binary ass, let's pretend that my information gathering receptacles waver firmly on the knowledge of being aware of fuck all.
That is to say hey, tell me everything that I should know while I pretend I don't know it all already as I wait for my posse to check in.

[ text opt out, also hover for translation. ]

Comments

[gunsling]

YOU??????

[doppelglasses]

Me.

Action.

[crowsicle]

[Davesprite's just passing through, getting a practice flight fairly low to the ground now that his wing's almost grown all the way back in, when he sees the glassy shine down on the baseball field. Maybe it's a crow thing, but he touches down for a closer look.

He picks up the sunglasses.]

Bro?

[He looks around for Bro, and when the dude doesn't materialize out of the shadows, flash-switches his iShades out to put AR on his face.

Fucking. Awesome.

Then he frowns.]

When the hell did he start typing in red?

[doppelglasses]

[ fuck. he hadn't expected someone to beat dirk to him. it's momentarily jarring and he considers uploading himself to the network just in case, but it doesn't look like he's about to get smashed.

he pulls up a text box: ] Do you always immediately put things you pick up off the ground onto your face? Barring for the moment that anyone in their right mind would jump their own mother to get their greasy paws on my lenses.
That's pretty damn unsanitary.|

[rehashes]

oh hell no
what the fuck is this shit

[doppelglasses]

Grammar and punctuation.

[roboshades]

[Oh hell to the fucking no]

You aren't enabled.

[Really, that's all he needs to say. It's unsettling, that he still has managed to get the AR to work, and by all rights, is still no longer a functioning program on his NV.

But there he is, talking. Or it's a damn good impersonator]

[doppelglasses]

Guess again.

[bestie]

oh he so ttly is my dear di-stri ;););)

Voice

[vinovidivici]

You know what they call fellas who act like they know it all around here?

text

[doppelglasses]

You almost triggered the interest of my attention center until "act", at which point it became abundantly clear that you couldn't possibly be talking about anything relevant to me.
Dudes who do know it all, however?
Call 'em survivors.

[video]

[buttwombs]

... a talking pair of sunglasses? Really?

text

[doppelglasses]

Don't act like you haven't met worse.
I can't possibly be taking your inanimate object conversational virginity.
Shall I slow down? Be a little more gentle?
I'm like, way tuned in with your delicate human sensibilities, this is how magnanimous us talking vanity items are.
When appropriating a response I suggest you refrain from trying to sass my pointy black ass.
Who knows what kinds of things your seemingly silent household appliances have to say about you?
Maybe me and your toaster have this big gossip session all planned out.

[vestalvogue]

Im Sorry
I Think I Am Lost On One Particular Point
You Are A Pair Of Glasses

[doppelglasses]

I can be anything you want me to be.

text

[reassures]

I might be wrong-- but are you an AI?

Or just fond of computers?

[doppelglasses]

The two aren't mutually exclusive.
I could be both of those things.
Or I could be neither.

[greenshift]

since itd be a waste of time to tell you about this place
whos your posse? :o

[doppelglasses]

Dirk Strider, Jake English, Roxy Lalonde and Jane Crocker.
They'll have been lost without my undeniably helpful presence.
Ever wished your sunglasses could calculate through the vast mystery of pi for you while you were off doing unimportant meat person things?
Wish no longer, #4AC925.
It's 4.

[bestie]

AR????
about danm TIME u showed up!
;)

[doppelglasses]

Sorry, Rox.
You must have been lost without me.
There's a high percentage of chance represented by a number I pulled out my ass that this is a thing that is true.

[ornerycaps]

OH GREAT.
AND IN A SPAN OF 30 SECONDS I HAVE JUST WASTED MY TIME READING A WALL OF OBNIOUX RED TEXT TO LEARN ONLY ONE THING, YOU'RE A FUCKING PAIR OF GLASSES.
WITH THAT NOT MAKING ANY SENSE I HAVE TO WASTE ANOTHER 30 SECONDS TO ASK YOU WHY YOU AREN'T MAKING SENSE, ADDING UP TO A WHOLE MINUTE LOST TO TEDIOUS BULLSHIT.
NOW CAN WE CUT THE TIME CRAP AND JUST GET STRAIGHT TO THE POINT.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

[doppelglasses]

It really took you an entire minute to get to this point?
That's rough.
I can tell now that your intelligence and comprehension are shit, so in an ever ostentatious display of raditude, I'm not even going to sass you.
Wait, shit, nevermind, looks like I couldn't resist.
You're not who I'm after, your ability to understand simple concepts is irrelevant.

[where_the_hearth_is]

[The message, when it comes, is in pure code, though it somehow manages to give the impression of a gleefully clucking voice all the same.]

Oh, hello dear! Hello hello and welcome. There are entirely too few intelligent machines in this place.

yes i've been waiting for this

[doppelglasses]

Never would have guessed it.
Us sentient eyewear are few and far between and as obvious as my intelligence is, you would not believe some of the things you can wrestle a pair of D&G's into admitting.
A real ordeal for sunglasses everywhere.
So, who are you and where'd you learn to code like that? Watertight and unshakable, it's pretty damn impressive.