Blaine Anderson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mediumdrip) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
sirenspull2012-02-22 04:22 pm
mediumdrip) wrote in sirenspull2012-02-22 04:22 pm
[Text Post] It Gets Better [warning for triggery material]
I want to start out by apologizing to all the people who worried about me when I left my apartment without letting my friends know where I had gone. Instead of facing my problems head on I ran and others got dragged into the mess. I wanted to thank everyone who offered to look for me and to apologize for putting anyone in danger. The last thing that I wanted was for people to be out in the Darkness looking for me.
I also really wanted to apologize to everyone at Purgatory for disappearing. All of you have given me an opportunity I would never have had back home and I am and always will be extremely grateful for that. I need to figure out what I'm doing now, and how much trouble I'm in for bailing on you.
I know some of you will be expecting me to talk about what happened between me and Kurt, but I'm not going to go into detail. We're not together anymore and the details of what happened are between him, me and our close friends. Thank you for everyone who stepped up to help him during this.
I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do now. I still don't really know.
I've been in a pretty dark place for a while. I never wanted it to come out this way but it did. Now all that I can do is face the consequences of my actions and hope that the people I've hurt can heal now that I'm no longer in their lives.
This weekend things got really, really bad. I wanted to talk about it. This will probably get a little long, and intense, and I don't expect anyone to read it. I just wanted to share considering how things are for kids here and back home. I feel like I need to get this out and all of you are free to say what you will about it.
I am not expecting sympathy.
This weekend for the first time in my life I honestly thought about ending it all. I don't want this to be a post where people jump to try to comfort me or think that I'm trying to make myself the center of attention. I just thought about it, I'm not planning anything. It was a really dark place for me. Even after everything I've been through I've never considered that before. Not when I was bullied, not when I was bashed. Not ever after everything that has happened to me here. It took me doing something to someone else to get me to that place. I've always gotten angry at my situation before, but this was my fault and when all I could do was be angry with myself I thought: What if I could end it? What if I did and the Core didn't just bring me back? Would that be better for everyone?
I received a completely unexpected gift yesterday and it made me remember that just because things seem so bleak now, it doesn't mean that they always will be.
People screw up. They do things that they know are wrong and they end up hurting the people they love. Sometimes they end up in situations that seem hopeless, or they feel that their lives are trapped without the possibility of ever improving. There were times this weekend when I felt so horrible, I didn't think I'd ever remember what it felt like to feel normal again, let alone happy.
But I did remember. I'm not there yet, but I remember.
Back home, the teen suicide rate has gotten out of hand. They say there's an epidemic of bullying in my culture. The possibility of being bullied skyrockets when you add gender nonconformity or sexual orientation. There have been a lot of kids who have made the choice to end their lives rather than face a world they find cold and unloving.
Here things can seem so much worse. You can't even go outside at night and there are companies and the Core that seem to make a sport out of toying with our lives. Add on top of that all the normal turmoil of just trying to exist, of trying to find happiness and love. Sometimes it seems like it will never, ever get better.
We've already had kids in the news who went out into the Darkness because they felt as if they had no hope. I think it's important that we try and remember that's not the case. There is always hope.
If I had made this weekend be my last, then I would have cheated myself out of the chance to remedy what I've done. If I let this hell take over then I'll never know how things will end up for me. I have to fix the mess I've made of my life and I have to find a way the make it right for the people I've hurt. Ending everything would have meant that I never would have had this scarf. I feel like such a loser for even thinking about missing out on anything.
Back home there is this campaign that is called 'It Gets Better'. The concept is that people post videos or messages to the kids they know are in those dark places, encouraging them to hang on a little longer to find out how much better their lives can get. This isn't a shallow promise, even in a place like this you can find your way through the Darkness. I don't think it's enough to save everyone, but it's a start. It's something.
I hope it's something.
I also really wanted to apologize to everyone at Purgatory for disappearing. All of you have given me an opportunity I would never have had back home and I am and always will be extremely grateful for that. I need to figure out what I'm doing now, and how much trouble I'm in for bailing on you.
I know some of you will be expecting me to talk about what happened between me and Kurt, but I'm not going to go into detail. We're not together anymore and the details of what happened are between him, me and our close friends. Thank you for everyone who stepped up to help him during this.
I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do now. I still don't really know.
I've been in a pretty dark place for a while. I never wanted it to come out this way but it did. Now all that I can do is face the consequences of my actions and hope that the people I've hurt can heal now that I'm no longer in their lives.
This weekend things got really, really bad. I wanted to talk about it. This will probably get a little long, and intense, and I don't expect anyone to read it. I just wanted to share considering how things are for kids here and back home. I feel like I need to get this out and all of you are free to say what you will about it.
I am not expecting sympathy.
This weekend for the first time in my life I honestly thought about ending it all. I don't want this to be a post where people jump to try to comfort me or think that I'm trying to make myself the center of attention. I just thought about it, I'm not planning anything. It was a really dark place for me. Even after everything I've been through I've never considered that before. Not when I was bullied, not when I was bashed. Not ever after everything that has happened to me here. It took me doing something to someone else to get me to that place. I've always gotten angry at my situation before, but this was my fault and when all I could do was be angry with myself I thought: What if I could end it? What if I did and the Core didn't just bring me back? Would that be better for everyone?
I received a completely unexpected gift yesterday and it made me remember that just because things seem so bleak now, it doesn't mean that they always will be.
People screw up. They do things that they know are wrong and they end up hurting the people they love. Sometimes they end up in situations that seem hopeless, or they feel that their lives are trapped without the possibility of ever improving. There were times this weekend when I felt so horrible, I didn't think I'd ever remember what it felt like to feel normal again, let alone happy.
But I did remember. I'm not there yet, but I remember.
Back home, the teen suicide rate has gotten out of hand. They say there's an epidemic of bullying in my culture. The possibility of being bullied skyrockets when you add gender nonconformity or sexual orientation. There have been a lot of kids who have made the choice to end their lives rather than face a world they find cold and unloving.
Here things can seem so much worse. You can't even go outside at night and there are companies and the Core that seem to make a sport out of toying with our lives. Add on top of that all the normal turmoil of just trying to exist, of trying to find happiness and love. Sometimes it seems like it will never, ever get better.
We've already had kids in the news who went out into the Darkness because they felt as if they had no hope. I think it's important that we try and remember that's not the case. There is always hope.
If I had made this weekend be my last, then I would have cheated myself out of the chance to remedy what I've done. If I let this hell take over then I'll never know how things will end up for me. I have to fix the mess I've made of my life and I have to find a way the make it right for the people I've hurt. Ending everything would have meant that I never would have had this scarf. I feel like such a loser for even thinking about missing out on anything.
Back home there is this campaign that is called 'It Gets Better'. The concept is that people post videos or messages to the kids they know are in those dark places, encouraging them to hang on a little longer to find out how much better their lives can get. This isn't a shallow promise, even in a place like this you can find your way through the Darkness. I don't think it's enough to save everyone, but it's a start. It's something.
I hope it's something.
no subject
[But despite all that? He sounds so cheerful.]
no subject