[Text Post] It Gets Better [warning for triggery material]

[mediumdrip]

I want to start out by apologizing to all the people who worried about me when I left my apartment without letting my friends know where I had gone. Instead of facing my problems head on I ran and others got dragged into the mess. I wanted to thank everyone who offered to look for me and to apologize for putting anyone in danger. The last thing that I wanted was for people to be out in the Darkness looking for me.

I also really wanted to apologize to everyone at Purgatory for disappearing. All of you have given me an opportunity I would never have had back home and I am and always will be extremely grateful for that. I need to figure out what I'm doing now, and how much trouble I'm in for bailing on you.

I know some of you will be expecting me to talk about what happened between me and Kurt, but I'm not going to go into detail. We're not together anymore and the details of what happened are between him, me and our close friends. Thank you for everyone who stepped up to help him during this.


I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do now. I still don't really know.

I've been in a pretty dark place for a while. I never wanted it to come out this way but it did. Now all that I can do is face the consequences of my actions and hope that the people I've hurt can heal now that I'm no longer in their lives.

This weekend things got really, really bad. I wanted to talk about it. This will probably get a little long, and intense, and I don't expect anyone to read it. I just wanted to share considering how things are for kids here and back home. I feel like I need to get this out and all of you are free to say what you will about it.

I am not expecting sympathy.



This weekend for the first time in my life I honestly thought about ending it all. I don't want this to be a post where people jump to try to comfort me or think that I'm trying to make myself the center of attention. I just thought about it, I'm not planning anything. It was a really dark place for me. Even after everything I've been through I've never considered that before. Not when I was bullied, not when I was bashed. Not ever after everything that has happened to me here. It took me doing something to someone else to get me to that place. I've always gotten angry at my situation before, but this was my fault and when all I could do was be angry with myself I thought: What if I could end it? What if I did and the Core didn't just bring me back? Would that be better for everyone?

I received a completely unexpected gift yesterday and it made me remember that just because things seem so bleak now, it doesn't mean that they always will be.

People screw up. They do things that they know are wrong and they end up hurting the people they love. Sometimes they end up in situations that seem hopeless, or they feel that their lives are trapped without the possibility of ever improving. There were times this weekend when I felt so horrible, I didn't think I'd ever remember what it felt like to feel normal again, let alone happy.

But I did remember. I'm not there yet, but I remember.

Back home, the teen suicide rate has gotten out of hand. They say there's an epidemic of bullying in my culture. The possibility of being bullied skyrockets when you add gender nonconformity or sexual orientation. There have been a lot of kids who have made the choice to end their lives rather than face a world they find cold and unloving.

Here things can seem so much worse. You can't even go outside at night and there are companies and the Core that seem to make a sport out of toying with our lives. Add on top of that all the normal turmoil of just trying to exist, of trying to find happiness and love. Sometimes it seems like it will never, ever get better.

We've already had kids in the news who went out into the Darkness because they felt as if they had no hope. I think it's important that we try and remember that's not the case. There is always hope.

If I had made this weekend be my last, then I would have cheated myself out of the chance to remedy what I've done. If I let this hell take over then I'll never know how things will end up for me. I have to fix the mess I've made of my life and I have to find a way the make it right for the people I've hurt. Ending everything would have meant that I never would have had this scarf. I feel like such a loser for even thinking about missing out on anything.

Back home there is this campaign that is called 'It Gets Better'. The concept is that people post videos or messages to the kids they know are in those dark places, encouraging them to hang on a little longer to find out how much better their lives can get. This isn't a shallow promise, even in a place like this you can find your way through the Darkness. I don't think it's enough to save everyone, but it's a start. It's something.

I hope it's something.

Comments

[showbizpanache]

[There is a lot he could say about this, and he plans to, but first...]

You like it?

[mediumdrip]

Of course I did.

You really shouldn't have, but I'm glad you did.

text;

[whycantistay]

I wanted to let you know I read this, and I can completely relate. I lost myself in a place worse than this. I know you don't want comfort or anything, but I am here along with a lot of other people.

I also really like the campaign and would be interested in helping however I can.

[mediumdrip]

Do you think something like that would work here? I don't think the residents would like us telling them It Gets Better, but we could do something for the Newcomer community.

Maybe we can even use our contacts with the residents to start something like it for them too.

Back home it started out for gay and questioning kids, but it's turned into something much, much more. Maybe we can start something similar here.

text;

[motioned]

thank you.

can i do anything to help you?

text;

[mediumdrip]

Did you want to see about making a video? You always cheer me up, I'm sure there are others who would feel the same way.

text | private

[bodyreads]

[Knowing that she might have lost her new friend upsets her a little, but she'll keep that to herself.]

I'm glad you're still here.

And this is a good start.

text | private

[mediumdrip]

I'm glad I am too.

I think you should know, you were the first person who wasn't Tim who hugged me and made me feel like this would be okay.

[Text]

[thelittlestbub]

Back home, kids are hunted, imprisoned and killed because all of a sudden, they manifest powers they can't control, that because of their genetic code, suddenly spring to life. Sometimes, people get hurt. Sometimes, people get killed. Sometimes, it's the mutant, other times it's those around them. And even when you go, keep your head down, when you learn to control your abilities and don't join the superhero squads, sometimes it isn't enough to keep you out of it - and even then, your friends, your family die.

However. My Dad told me something: He told me to live every single day, to take a bite out of life, because that's who I am and if I let the defeats take that, then I'm already beaten.

It's why I can keep going on, after two years here. Why I can smile and live and laugh and love, despite what this place throws at me.

Anytime you want a little of that for yourself, you know where my place is. Stop by. I'm willing to share.

Re: [Text]

[mediumdrip]

You are so amazing. I'm so glad that you had a Dad who gave you that advise and were strong enough to follow it.

The world you guys come from sounds so screwed up but each of you seem so strong and so solid.

Thank you for the offer. I might take you up on it when I start feeling better.

[Voice ; Private]

[gaveherwings]

You are... quite a brave person in ways I don't think you fully even realize yet, Blaine Anderson.

But if you ever find yourself thinking again, Blaine, please... call me. Or call Franz. We're still here for you, and-

And I know how it's a terrible position- [A somewhat shaky inhale, because that's a little too close, and not so many people at all are aware of his truth.] ...a terrible feeling, to be alone and without hope, in that place. So don't worry about inconveniencing us. We'd much rather have you here, and well.

If there are any other resources I can help you with, please don't hesitate to ask.

Re: [Voice ; Private]

[mediumdrip]

I know you two are there for me. You both have been such amazing friends.

I promise that I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself. It was just a thought I had, but it brought up a lot of what has been happening in my world.


Are you okay? You said that you know what it's like to be in that dark place, have you gotten out of it?

[magnetic_magpie]

Blaine,

There is a great deal I could say. Probably much I shouldn't.

But I do understand. I was about your age, and I didn't just think about suicide, I took steps to attempt it. I stopped because I was reminded of some things I had forgotten. That was sixty-three years ago.

The details aren't for a public post. But I do understand. And if you need someone to talk to, I'm here to listen.

[mediumdrip]

I'm so sorry if talking about this brought back bad memories for you.

I know that you're here for me. You have been since I arrived. I can't express how grateful I am for everything you've done for me.

Text

[tea_lover64]

Blaine I am glad you are alright.

Let me know if you need anything.

Re: Text

[mediumdrip]

More tea?

[Text]

[igottagay]

[Santana wants nothing more than to tell him to go fuck himself, that the world would be better off without him, but --

-- that isn't true.

It's never true. And as she reads the entire novel, her heart clenches inside her chest, because she's been that low. She's been in that position -- in a corner, ready to just do something about it, because she's so angry at herself and who she is and what she is and it was always her friends that pulled her back into the sunlight. That stupid fucking Glee club that she only joined because Quinn told her to join.

And to think that Blaine had been that incredibly close -- ?]

youre still a giant bag of dicks who needs to get taught a lesson about keeping his hands to himself and out of the white powder dusted cookie jar

but im glad you didnt kill yourself

nothings worth that

Re: [Text]

[mediumdrip]

I know I am.

Thank you. You didn't have to say anything comforting and I appreciate that you did.

permavideo

[doeswhathewants]

[Aw shit, he's about to fuck up this happy train.]

It might still be difficult, the near future. More apologies to make. Suspicions every time you say or do something that gives the faintest hint of backsliding.

But, it's worth it. Eventually all will be well and you will be happy for it.

[Just kidding. Loki actually sympathizes greatly with your position.]

[all replies in text]

[mediumdrip]

I've earned suspicion right now, dealing it is part of what I mean by facing the consequences of my actions.

text;

[thequarterback]

[Finn's even less of a fan of Blaine, with issues from home to pile on top of issues here but he has to say something. He just feels the need to. Maybe he doesn't like Blaine, and maybe he wanted to see him hurt (sort of still does) for what happened to Kurt, but nothing warrants, well, that. It's too extreme and too permanent. And maybe he's a little selfish in thinking that he doesn't want to deal with the repercussions associated with something like that but he'd be lying if he admitted that wasn't part of it.

Unfortunately, he's worried that it's not over, because the truth as Finn sees it is that it doesn't always get better. Not in time enough for it to count. That's why it's time to swallow his pride]

look no matter how i feel about you, im glad you didnt do it.

kurt loves you. i know you arent with him anymore and its for the best and everything but he still lvoes you. hes probably not the only one either. keep that in mind if the thought ever comes back

Re: text;

[mediumdrip]

Thank you, Finn.

I don't want you to worry. I never planned out anything. It was just a thought.

I'm better now. And you're right, about it being for the best. I'm so glad that you're back so that you can help him.

voice;

[universaljanitor]

'It Gets Bett-ah'. I like that. Completely brilliant, you are. You and the rest of the human race. Look adversity in the face, look complete and utter defeat in the face, and you know what you tell it. No. A hundred million billion times over. Just one word. No.

... No, hold on... I think I remember that campaign. Something in the history books. Highest suicide rate in years, in all of history, even. Right along the change of the second millennia. Oh yes, I remember it. It Gets Better. Three little words, so tiny and insignificant when they were first uttered. A helpless little prayer in the dark... but then they were repeated. Again and again and again they were repeated. They grew, spread like wildfire through that crushing darkness of despair and hopelessness. A little, three word spark that hopped from person to person, that infected first through word of mouth, through the gentle touch of a hand on a shoulder. And then it went viral.

Words. For all your race mastered chemicals and electricity your true power always lay in words. Just none of you ever saw it. At least not until it was too late.

I know your generation. What is it, teenagers of the twenty first century? The generation most people wrote off as lost in a computer screen, wasting away in front of the TV? The generation of gamers and nerds? The fall of the rugby jocks and the rise of the video gamers and social networkers?

Its all thanks to you lot, you dreamers. The ones that fell to the bottom and climbed your way back up, its thanks to you that the world ever changes. You're the ones that looked torture and all those harmful words in the face and told them no. You, the broken, the ones the rest of society just waved off and labeled as a lost cause, as something to be ashamed of... you lot stood up, with the power of three words behind you, the last gate of a veritable maelstrom of hope and power and you. Said. No.

And do you know what that did? That broke the limits on everything. A black man becoming president of America? Why not? Men marrying men, women marrying women? Oh come on, where's the harm in that? One of those little boys, bullied for so long for being so stuck in a computer becoming the first human to successfully send a manned rocket to the very edges of your galaxy? Oh yes!

Its people like you, that sit in the dark and feel the grip of despair and anger closing in... people like you who remember those words in a time when nothing else seems to matter. Its people like you that make everything worth it. Because you - unfortunate I don't know your name, really, I'm the Doctor, though, in case you were wondering - YOU and everyone like you are the reason humanity is so worth fighting for.

So thank you. Thank you, Blaine Anderson. [Someone managed to glance over a few replies while he was babbling to get the kid's name, at least] For restoring some faith to these old hearts. You're absolutely brilliant.

all replies in text;

[mediumdrip]

I had no idea that it would end up being that powerful.

We're still working on the marriage and manned rocket parts.

[text; batcryption]

[theshortestbird]

I remember those. Some kids from school made some, they were really enlightening.

I'm glad I met you, Blaine. I'd do it all again to make a friend like you.

[text; batcryption]

[mediumdrip]

I'd like to think that if we had the choice to do this over we'd make better choice but still end up good friends.

I don't know what I would have done without you here.

[video]

[thehighcost]

[She smiles sadly.] I don't think that can ever be said enough. As much as I'd like to make sure no one ever tries... I've held a lot of hands, in the end.

Like I told Franz when he first got here. You don't have to be anyone you don't want to be.

[text]

[mediumdrip]

I think I'm going to have to keep telling myself this, at least until I feel normal again.

Sometimes you have to be who you are so that you can become who you want to be.

[voice]

[rapturescreed]

I'm sorry you've gone through this. But a truer statement has never been made before on this network. We're all here to support our youth, whether they be Newcomer or not. It saddens me that there was a time when this was not true, but i hope the future is brighter for everyone.

[text]

[mediumdrip]

I'm so glad you guys have built such an amazing support system and community here. We can always work to hold it up and make it better.