026 // Video

[showbizpanache]

[Here's Kurt a little more world-weary than before, but completely recognizable now. He looks calm, peaceful, like he'd just accepted something. He's also draped in an over-large leather jacket that looks frankly bizarre on him, but he doesn't seem to care.]

So I... I'm back.

That is to say, my memories have returned. The funny thing is that--when they did? The first thing I thought about was the Out of the Darkness Project. More specifically, the fact that I haven't made an entry of my own yet.

I hadn't wanted to. It seems rather narcissistic, honestly. But now that I think about it, I think I just avoided it because I was scared. Scared of being vulnerable, I suppose. But... I think I can do it now. So--here goes.

[He clears his throat, curling up his legs, perching on the couch in his apartment.]


I know I talk about how much I hate this place whenever I get the chance--and I do, quite honestly, that hasn't changed, but... There's something about it that I appreciate: I feel like I can be myself here. That wasn't the case back home. I was treated...very badly. I felt like the world didn't want me to be me. Yet that's what made me stronger, you know? It made me much more driven, more tenacious, more fixated on my goals. I wanted to be a star more than anything, and I was willing to do anything to get there. I felt like if I were to break into the world and show everyone how talented and unique I was, then it would be the only way I could outshine all the prejudice and the self-doubt it brought me.

It's different here. I feel like this place has brought me down to Earth in a lot of ways, and I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or not. Still, I can't deny how much I've grown. So much has happened, I...I couldn't even begin to describe it all. I've...seen the darkest parts of this place. Horrible things, things I can't even describe. I've had my free will taken away from me. I've lost so many people...so many friends that sometimes I just-- [He sighs, shaking his head.]

I don't regret it. I don't regret meeting any of you. And the people I've lost... [He swallows.] You know, a while ago I wouldn't have been able to deal with this. I try to imagine what it would be like if I were all alone, but I'm...I'm not. I have wonderful friends.

Rachel...your smile never ceases to brighten my day. Even though we argue and snap at each other, even if I think you take far too long in the shower... You're my best friend. I believed with my whole heart that you'd come back, and you did. Because we're friends for good, right? Stuck with each other.

Finn? I know you feel like you aren't doing enough for me, and that's just silly. You're here. To have someone in my family here with me... It's more comforting than you can imagine. And honestly, Finn, I'm here for you, too. We're a team, okay? Never forget that.

Gosh, so many of you... Ahiru, Franz--I'm mad at you for firing me, by the way, don't think you're off the hook--Mercy, Chuck, Cloud, Jack, Claire, Jinx, Griffin, Genesis, Tim, Yosuke, Daedalus, Alice, Xion, Kazuma... I'm so lucky to have met all of you. I wouldn't take anything back, for anything in the world.

[A pause.] There's...one common denominator in all of this. In everything that's happened. One person who has been with me through all of it, even if we weren't--together, per se. Someone who keeps me humbled, who holds me up, who keeps me down to Earth while at the same time pushing my wings to fly.

We died together. We died, and then a day later we woke up at the same time, lying side by side. I don't think that really happens around here very often. I don't think it's ever happened here at all. That means something. I know it does.

[Sniff. He's starting to get a little teary.] Wh-what I'm trying to say is that Darkness is never something you can overcome alone. You need someone. Whether it's one person or many... Open your heart up to them. Don't take them for granted.

Bring them home. Keep them close. It's all you have here. Thank you.

Comments

[mediumdrip]

I did. [A pause, and then in a slightly teasing tone]

On the train, by the way, which is the perfect place to see something that emotional.

[showbizpanache]

[He winces.] Sorry. I guess I didn't think that one through.

[mediumdrip]

[Blaine shakes his head.] I'm one to talk, remember?

It was beautiful, Kurt, and I'm glad that you were finally able to make one.

[showbizpanache]

I meant every word of it.

[mediumdrip]

[quietly] I know you did.

[showbizpanache]

Come sit with me?

[He moves his hand down to take Blaine's, gently tugging him toward the couch.]

[mediumdrip]

[Blaine moves towards the couch easily and settles down on it. He's still a little tense, but only because he feels so uncertain.]


Kurt, you know I'm not going to move back in with you yet, right? [He says it before he can second guess it, and because he remembers what had prompted him to ask Kurt about his memories.]

[showbizpanache]

Mmhm. That's all right. [He nods, though his eyes glance away.] I told you that I'd wait for you until you're better.

[mediumdrip]

No, it's going to be longer than that. [Blaine's voice is gentle, but certain.] It's not enough that I'm better. We have to get to know each other again.

[showbizpanache]

What?

[He narrows his eyes, uncertain.]

[mediumdrip]

[Blaine tucks his lips together for a moment before he explains.]

I think we should date, at least for a little while, before we take that step again. We should start off by being boyfriends again, before we jump right back into trying to be partners.

You were right before, when you didn't want us to live together. It was way too soon for that kind of thing. I don't want to make that mistake again.

[showbizpanache]

[Well, that wasn't the answer he expected. His eyes light up.]

You...want to by my boyfriend again?

[mediumdrip]

Of course I do. [Blaine manages to say it calmly and he manages not to add 'I love you' by way of explanation, even if the words are on his lips.] We just have a lot of stuff to work through before we can be more than that.

[showbizpanache]

[Yeah so... He's not paying attention to any of that. The only thing that's registering is Blaine wants to be with me again and he's gasping, making a delighted whimpering noise as he flings his arms around Blaine again, practically tackling him.

He can't talk, but he's crying again. They aren't sad tears, though.]

[mediumdrip]

[Blaine is surprised, but he holds Kurt and rubs his back lightly.]

It's okay. [He mutters softly. In a lot of ways, Blaine never wanted to stop being with Kurt. Breaking up with him had been much more about what they both needed, not what they wanted.] We have to take this slowly, okay?

[showbizpanache]

Fine. That's fine. I don't care. [He squeezes Blaine tighter, practically in his lap now.]

[mediumdrip]

Maybe not right now... [Blaine rubs Kurt's back softly, touching him to comfort him and also just to touch him.] You know we both get carried away.

[showbizpanache]

Hn. What are you talking about? [Kurt mumbles, his face buried in Blaine's shoulder.]

[mediumdrip]

I'm worried we'll fall back into the same pattern. I'm always worried about that.

I want to be with you so much, but I don't want to hurt you again. If we take things slowly and promise not to let each other go too far, maybe it can work this time.

[showbizpanache]

N-no, I know.

[He finally pulls back, nodding and sniffing, rubbing at his eyes.]

I'll do anything, okay? I'll do whatever it takes, I promise.

[mediumdrip]

[Blaine is quiet for a moment. He just feels so uncertain, but he doesn't want Kurt to cry over this any more.]

Me too.

[showbizpanache]

[Kurt lets out a shaky laugh, reaching out impulsively to grab Blaine's hand.]

I'm so happy.

[mediumdrip]

[Blaine shifts his hand a bit so that he can hold Kurt's more confidently.]

It feels like forever since I've heard you say that.

[showbizpanache]

[His response comes so quickly, so easily.]

Because I didn't have you. I have nothing if I don't have you.

[mediumdrip]

[Blaine is quiet for a moment. He looks up at Kurt. He speaks gently.]

You have a lot of things and a lot of people.