026 // Video

[showbizpanache]

[Here's Kurt a little more world-weary than before, but completely recognizable now. He looks calm, peaceful, like he'd just accepted something. He's also draped in an over-large leather jacket that looks frankly bizarre on him, but he doesn't seem to care.]

So I... I'm back.

That is to say, my memories have returned. The funny thing is that--when they did? The first thing I thought about was the Out of the Darkness Project. More specifically, the fact that I haven't made an entry of my own yet.

I hadn't wanted to. It seems rather narcissistic, honestly. But now that I think about it, I think I just avoided it because I was scared. Scared of being vulnerable, I suppose. But... I think I can do it now. So--here goes.

[He clears his throat, curling up his legs, perching on the couch in his apartment.]


I know I talk about how much I hate this place whenever I get the chance--and I do, quite honestly, that hasn't changed, but... There's something about it that I appreciate: I feel like I can be myself here. That wasn't the case back home. I was treated...very badly. I felt like the world didn't want me to be me. Yet that's what made me stronger, you know? It made me much more driven, more tenacious, more fixated on my goals. I wanted to be a star more than anything, and I was willing to do anything to get there. I felt like if I were to break into the world and show everyone how talented and unique I was, then it would be the only way I could outshine all the prejudice and the self-doubt it brought me.

It's different here. I feel like this place has brought me down to Earth in a lot of ways, and I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or not. Still, I can't deny how much I've grown. So much has happened, I...I couldn't even begin to describe it all. I've...seen the darkest parts of this place. Horrible things, things I can't even describe. I've had my free will taken away from me. I've lost so many people...so many friends that sometimes I just-- [He sighs, shaking his head.]

I don't regret it. I don't regret meeting any of you. And the people I've lost... [He swallows.] You know, a while ago I wouldn't have been able to deal with this. I try to imagine what it would be like if I were all alone, but I'm...I'm not. I have wonderful friends.

Rachel...your smile never ceases to brighten my day. Even though we argue and snap at each other, even if I think you take far too long in the shower... You're my best friend. I believed with my whole heart that you'd come back, and you did. Because we're friends for good, right? Stuck with each other.

Finn? I know you feel like you aren't doing enough for me, and that's just silly. You're here. To have someone in my family here with me... It's more comforting than you can imagine. And honestly, Finn, I'm here for you, too. We're a team, okay? Never forget that.

Gosh, so many of you... Ahiru, Franz--I'm mad at you for firing me, by the way, don't think you're off the hook--Mercy, Chuck, Cloud, Jack, Claire, Jinx, Griffin, Genesis, Tim, Yosuke, Daedalus, Alice, Xion, Kazuma... I'm so lucky to have met all of you. I wouldn't take anything back, for anything in the world.

[A pause.] There's...one common denominator in all of this. In everything that's happened. One person who has been with me through all of it, even if we weren't--together, per se. Someone who keeps me humbled, who holds me up, who keeps me down to Earth while at the same time pushing my wings to fly.

We died together. We died, and then a day later we woke up at the same time, lying side by side. I don't think that really happens around here very often. I don't think it's ever happened here at all. That means something. I know it does.

[Sniff. He's starting to get a little teary.] Wh-what I'm trying to say is that Darkness is never something you can overcome alone. You need someone. Whether it's one person or many... Open your heart up to them. Don't take them for granted.

Bring them home. Keep them close. It's all you have here. Thank you.

Comments

[discretion]

You love him, but apparently not enough to listen to him. Buying a ring is just about the furthest thing from taking things slow and having a fresh start as you could do without being outright hurtful.

[Oh look, time for more wine. If only so he can take a breath and make sure not completely tear into his friend.]

Please take that ring back. When you're both ready, and have talked about it, you can buy one together.

[showbizpanache]

Could you maybe not talk about my feelings like you have any idea what I've been through these last few months? I know what I'm doing. And I already said I'm going to wait, honestly, do I need to say it in French for you to understand?

I supported your decision to propose to Daedalus. I encouraged it. Sure, it didn't work out, but at least I had your back.

[He sets down his glass.] I wonder why you never seem to have mine.

[discretion]

Right, I'm not trying to steer you away from a huge mistake because I'm a friend, but because I'm a huge asshole.

[He sets down his glass for some slightly-dramatic emphasis.] I might not know everything you've been through, or your deepest feelings, but I know what you've told me about the situation.

What I'm hearing is that you're just playing along with Blaine's wishes until he comes around. Do you not understand why that could be a problem? He thinks you're on the same page as him, but you're not. You're not starting over at all. You're already making marriage plans.

[showbizpanache]

Did you miss the part where I said I bought it before I lost my memories?

[discretion]

What, you can't find the receipt or something? It makes no difference when you bought it! The point is you've agreed with Blaine that you're taking it slow. This isn't you filling up a notebook of calligraphy with Monsieur Kurt Anderson-Hummel because you're happily dreaming of better days to come, you've made an emotional and financial investment. That's like if, after Daedalus and I agreed we weren't going to buy a condo together yet, he went bought one anyway, and kept it ready for whenever I changed my mind.

Is that love, or is that saying you know what your boyfriend wants, or is going to want, even though they said differently?

I know you didn't actually turn around and buy the ring in direct violation of his wishes, it's not a perfect analogy. But you're still hoping someday he'll fulfill a certain role to you, and that ring is a symbol of that expectation. I don't know if it's really possible to start over, tabula rasa. Maybe Blaine is asking too much. But if you're going to agree to do it, then you should shed all of your preconceptions, all of your previous hopes and expectations. Having an engagement ring at the beginning of a relationship is gross unless there's already a contract for dowry involved.

[showbizpanache]

[There's a long pause.]

Fine. I'll take it back. I need to buy shoes for spring anyway.

[He stands up and puts his coat back on.] Thanks for the fantastic advice as always.

[As he walks toward the door, he stops to turn back.] You know-- I really wish you'd believe in me sometimes. I know we think differently about a lot of things, and that's fine. But that doesn't mean I'm wrong. It just means I'm not as miserable as you are.

[And then he turns to leave--and stops again.]

...I'm sorry. That was a horrible thing to say.

[discretion]

[Franz picks up his glass of wine before turning around on the couch. He frowns a little, his voice calm but stormy.]

If you really think I said those things because I don't believe in you and I want to bring you down to my miserable level, feel free not to take it and get out.

[showbizpanache]

No, I mean it, I'm sorry.

[He sighs.] I guess... I don't know what I was thinking when I bought it. We weren't even together then. I guess I just wanted to hold on to the idea that something might be permanent around here. Like...one thing that won't go away, you know?

Everything else does.

[discretion]

Congratulations, you're an adult. [Bitter much?] People die, people leave, and there's nothing you can do about it. But cling to something fiercely and it's just going to hurt all the more when you separate from it.

That's why every moment is precious. Don't get lost in a future you don't know if you're going to have yet. Don't make promises - to yourself or anyone else - that you're not in control of keeping.

[He drains his glass with gusto, not really taking the time to linger over the wine before setting his glass down.]

There. I think I'm all out of non-supportive, miserable advice.

[showbizpanache]

[Tears start rolling down his cheeks, though he's not facing Franz so the other can't see them. He nods, though.]

All right. Thank you. I'll...see you.

[discretion]

...Be safe out there.