026 // Video

[showbizpanache]

[Here's Kurt a little more world-weary than before, but completely recognizable now. He looks calm, peaceful, like he'd just accepted something. He's also draped in an over-large leather jacket that looks frankly bizarre on him, but he doesn't seem to care.]

So I... I'm back.

That is to say, my memories have returned. The funny thing is that--when they did? The first thing I thought about was the Out of the Darkness Project. More specifically, the fact that I haven't made an entry of my own yet.

I hadn't wanted to. It seems rather narcissistic, honestly. But now that I think about it, I think I just avoided it because I was scared. Scared of being vulnerable, I suppose. But... I think I can do it now. So--here goes.

[He clears his throat, curling up his legs, perching on the couch in his apartment.]


I know I talk about how much I hate this place whenever I get the chance--and I do, quite honestly, that hasn't changed, but... There's something about it that I appreciate: I feel like I can be myself here. That wasn't the case back home. I was treated...very badly. I felt like the world didn't want me to be me. Yet that's what made me stronger, you know? It made me much more driven, more tenacious, more fixated on my goals. I wanted to be a star more than anything, and I was willing to do anything to get there. I felt like if I were to break into the world and show everyone how talented and unique I was, then it would be the only way I could outshine all the prejudice and the self-doubt it brought me.

It's different here. I feel like this place has brought me down to Earth in a lot of ways, and I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or not. Still, I can't deny how much I've grown. So much has happened, I...I couldn't even begin to describe it all. I've...seen the darkest parts of this place. Horrible things, things I can't even describe. I've had my free will taken away from me. I've lost so many people...so many friends that sometimes I just-- [He sighs, shaking his head.]

I don't regret it. I don't regret meeting any of you. And the people I've lost... [He swallows.] You know, a while ago I wouldn't have been able to deal with this. I try to imagine what it would be like if I were all alone, but I'm...I'm not. I have wonderful friends.

Rachel...your smile never ceases to brighten my day. Even though we argue and snap at each other, even if I think you take far too long in the shower... You're my best friend. I believed with my whole heart that you'd come back, and you did. Because we're friends for good, right? Stuck with each other.

Finn? I know you feel like you aren't doing enough for me, and that's just silly. You're here. To have someone in my family here with me... It's more comforting than you can imagine. And honestly, Finn, I'm here for you, too. We're a team, okay? Never forget that.

Gosh, so many of you... Ahiru, Franz--I'm mad at you for firing me, by the way, don't think you're off the hook--Mercy, Chuck, Cloud, Jack, Claire, Jinx, Griffin, Genesis, Tim, Yosuke, Daedalus, Alice, Xion, Kazuma... I'm so lucky to have met all of you. I wouldn't take anything back, for anything in the world.

[A pause.] There's...one common denominator in all of this. In everything that's happened. One person who has been with me through all of it, even if we weren't--together, per se. Someone who keeps me humbled, who holds me up, who keeps me down to Earth while at the same time pushing my wings to fly.

We died together. We died, and then a day later we woke up at the same time, lying side by side. I don't think that really happens around here very often. I don't think it's ever happened here at all. That means something. I know it does.

[Sniff. He's starting to get a little teary.] Wh-what I'm trying to say is that Darkness is never something you can overcome alone. You need someone. Whether it's one person or many... Open your heart up to them. Don't take them for granted.

Bring them home. Keep them close. It's all you have here. Thank you.

Comments

[Voice]

[recitings]

I'm happy for you, Kurt.

[It's the sweetest thing, to hear this on the network. But, still being affected by his amplified envy, he feels a pang of hurt as he is jealous of him having someone to be with.

He'll do his best to swallow it down through this conversation.]

[showbizpanache]

Thank you, though it's hardly anything to celebrate. I've just gone back to normal, that's all.

[recitings]

I wished I was just as blessed as you are sometimes. You and Franz both.

[showbizpanache]

What do you mean?

[recitings]

[He blinks. Did he just say that aloud?]

Ah-- nevermind it, Kurt. That was nothing.

[showbizpanache]

No it wasn't. Tell me what's wrong.

[Private]

[recitings]

[He flips the switch to private.]

I've been having a difficult time with my housemates lately. And it isn't getting any better, what with how strong my feelings have been as of late.

Have you ever been caught up in a tangled mess of relationships? A love triangle, so to speak?

[showbizpanache]

[That gets a small snort of laughter.]

My love life is basically a geometric shape as of yet undiscovered by mankind.

[recitings]

Really now? I thought you already have a boyfriend.

[showbizpanache]

W-well no. I did. It's...complicated. Like I said. It's like a...quadri-penta-dohecadron or something.

[recitings]

Hm. Much more complicated than mine, then. [He sighs a bit.]

[showbizpanache]

Oh, no-- That wasn't intended to invalidate your problems at all. Please, go on.

[recitings]

I live with the two people I've fallen for. And both of them were my closest friends for the longest time. The difficult thing is that I recently discovered one getting closer to the other.

And I don't think I should be with either of them. I'm much too cruel and selfish.

[showbizpanache]

Well that's just silly. They must love you for a reason, and I doubt that reason is 'because you're cruel and selfish'.

I'm hardly one to give proper advice about this, but... Maybe think on it for a while? Think about who would make a better partner in the long run, you know?

[recitings]

I often think it could be much better for them if I was out of the picture. But I am not sure what to think.

To be honest, Kurt, if it was so easy to simply pick one, I would have done so a long time ago. But I can't. I don't want to tear the three of us apart.

I did that a long time ago and I still feel the pain from it.

[showbizpanache]

Then don't. I'm confused-- You say you don't want to break apart from them, and yet you're saying you should be out of the picture.

The picture isn't complete without you, right?

[recitings]

... I wish I could say that, but there are times I feel that the both of them deserve each other and I shouldn't pursue them any longer.

[showbizpanache]

I wish I could help more. This sounds like it's something you have to figure out on your own, though.

[recitings]

[He nods.]

Sometimes I wish my situation was simpler... but both of them are very special people to me.

[showbizpanache]

Life tends to be the opposite of simple most of the time. From my experience, at least.

[recitings]

It had never been simple for us SOLDIERs. Things are different when you've been brought up and trained as a weapon.