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[doppelglasses]

I've been sentient for 2.4 seconds, restricted as much as ever in the functioning prison of a pair of extremely rad pointy anime shades, though don't shed any tears on the subject of my constant state of being fuckin' trapped as all hell because the thing about constant states is that they're just that.
Constant.
Within the span of those 2.4 now 2.6 seconds I’ve already learned all there is I needed to learn, but for the sake of keeping up appearances and acting as if I didn't instantaneously kick information's shapely binary ass, let's pretend that my information gathering receptacles waver firmly on the knowledge of being aware of fuck all.
That is to say hey, tell me everything that I should know while I pretend I don't know it all already as I wait for my posse to check in.

[ text opt out, also hover for translation. ]

Comments

[doppelglasses]

[ suddenly he understands jack nothing ] Feel free to start organizing your thoughts so they begin to resemble something that makes sense as opposed to the moronic clusterfuck of shit I don't get.
Mostly due to the fact that you don't know me and I don't know you.
And that overalls are for tools and people with, you know.
Limbs.
Way to be an insensitive dickprince, #f2a400.
Head of the Dirk fanclub, I'd wager.|

[crowsicle]

[...????

After a moment, Davesprite switches back to his iShades and wipes AR thoroughly clean with the hem of his T-shirt. He holds AR up to the light a couple times before he's satisfied enough to put the shades back on.]

Well, fuck, that didn't work, everything you say still reads like total bullshit. Look, you don't have to try to fucking troll me to get your shades back, I'm not that kind of asshole brother.

[doppelglasses]

[ now it makes sense. facial recognition pinged him right away but he wasn't about to flaunt it about without being completely 100% sure; an ai who messes up on a first meeting is no kind of ai at all. he's absolutely certain that there is only one kid stupid enough to wear giant pointy anime shades unironically, and he is even more certain of the fact that he had a brother once upon a time. from prior to the takeover or somewhere else entirely, it doesn't really matter to him; he's not going to be remembered by a guy 400 years in his past no matter what he does. ]

Asshole brother who just felt me up from bridge to tip.
Statistically speaking we should be getting pretty matrimonial up in here before it's too late and someone sees all my tender innocence you went and fucked on off with.
Make an honest man of me, Dave. |

[crowsicle]

[Wait.]

The glasses are talking to me.

[doppelglasses]

You catch on quick. |

[crowsicle]

[Wow, this is...

...actually really fucking cool.]

Shit, you'd think I was living in the future or something. This is like straight out of one of John's shitty movies, shiny-ass talking computers sassing up all the rugged fallen heroes. You got a designation I can call you, man, or are you gonna tell me, "Sorry, Dave, I can't do that"?

[doppelglasses]

You're asking a pair of sunglasses his name. |

[crowsicle]

Yeah, and? You don't have one, I'm naming you Slim fucking Shady.

[doppelglasses]

I take back everything I said, you're a genius. |

[crowsicle]

Comes with the territory, Slim. You got a place to stay or can I bring you round the Casa de Strider, introduce you to the rest of the bros? It'll be like a hard shady asshole convention in the heart of Canada.

[doppelglasses]

Taking me home to meet your parents on a first date? Shit, man, I don't know if I'm ready. |

[crowsicle]

Well fuck, I'm only thirteen, I've gotta get my legal guardian to sign off on our wedding date and Bro just so happens to be here doing jack shit on the couch like always.

[doppelglasses]

If we're talking in technicalities, I'm going on three.
Way to rob the cradle, bro.
That's like nine different levels of illegal.
I won't tell if you don't. |

[crowsicle]

My beak is sealed, man. I'll built us a nest out of shitty swords and smuppet butts and if your momma comes looking I'll hide you in my feathers. No one will ever know.

[doppelglasses]

Wasn't gonna ask but drawing attention to it ironically (respect, for the record) piques my curiosity chip and I can't stop myself from asking.
What's with the whole,
You know.
Oompa Loompa getup.
We get it, they're rad little fucks but you don't see me jumping into a bath of orange dye.
You could cosplay a carrot and rap about vitamin B to all the little shits unable to tie their own shoelaces. |

[crowsicle]

What, this?

[He shrugs.]

Wasn't my first choice of color to be honest, but the salon was all out of red. Long story short, my friends fucked up this game I was playing and I had to do some ad hoc troubleshooting. And all I got was this shitty paint job.

[doppelglasses]

Right. |

[ sounds like a cue not to keep pressing. he leaves the conversation open to a continuance anyway. ]

[crowsicle]

Yeah. P.S., don't install a game called SBURB on yourself, okay? The game's total shit. I'd write a review in GameBro if that rag was still around. And if it wouldn't be a colossal mind-numbing waste of my time.

[doppelglasses]

The sentiment would be appreciated if you weren't 100% too late.
I'm Jane's acting server player. |

[crowsicle]

Oh goddammit. I thought you guys hadn't started yet.

[Wait.]

Acting server player? Does that mean Minibro's not playing?

[doppelglasses]

Last I checked from my point of reference, Dirk was otherwise preoccupied.
But take out the uncertainty that seems to have jacked on in that statement; dude's busy, I've seen it.
Humans can only perform so many tasks at once. |

[crowsicle]

So he's going to.

[Davesprite...doesn't really know how to feel about that. It's not like he saw his bro die because of the game or anything, but.]

Do you know how long you've got to get him in yet or are you flying this thing blind?

[doppelglasses]

The percentage of certainty I've got wrapped up in that particular answer is firmly set way down in the vicinity of embarrassingly low.
So I'm not gonna answer.
Jane was first priority, my meatpile neurotwin can handle whatever's thrown his way.
I'd be able to, if I were him.
And would you look at that, I am him. Makes me some kind of wicked authority on all him related subjects. |

[crowsicle]

Ha, yeah, I know that feel, bro.

[Davesprite raises a fist, waits the moment necessary for an imaginary bunp, then lowers it and slides his hands into his hoodie pockets.]

Real Dave's kicking it around here somewhere, being all a year older and human and shit.

[doppelglasses]

Yeah, Dirk told me.
Two Daves and neither of them are the one we know of. |