sirenspull | 008. Video

I'll be there in a minute.

[ What he hasn't told him is that - honestly - the inability to fly is unnerving him more than he'd admit. After the conversation that first night, where he'd spooked Peter about losing his abilities, it seemed almost ironic that the same thing had happened to him. He shouldn't be upset, though, he'd always been a little bit ashamed of his power, emulated normality, and this was how it felt to be normal.

To not be able to even take off.

Talking to the Network had been a distraction from that--albeit one he'd been planning to do anyway. ]

[ Peter had to approach this with no small amount of caution because he knew what was about to be brought up. Or, at the very least, he expected what was going to be brought up. Maybe Nathan had found something else, wanted to talk about something else. It was possible, unlikely, but Peter was grasping at straws and could only hope for the best.

It only took a second to teleport from his apartment to the top of Nathan's, his hands in his pockets as he glanced around for his brother. ]

[ Nathan stood on the wall, looking down at the ground the way Peter had that first time he'd ever called him up to go chasing him down, trying to stop him from doing anything reckless. Here they were again. He flicked his NV on, where he'd loaded up the right post. He skips a little with his thumb, and Sylar's voice rings out from the speaker: ]

Makes a lot of sense, when you think about it. The people who remind you of home, who understand what it's like to be you better than anyone else does; you can't really pick and choose who those people are. Adversity makes strange bedfellows.

[ And took is thumb off it, tilting his head to look over at Peter. ]

He's got that right, at least.

[ Waited; looking apprehensive, grim. ]

[ Watching Nathan curiously, not entirely sure why he was standing up on the ledge quite like that, as soon as he heard Sylar's voice echo from Nathan's NV, his gaze dropped. For a flickering moment, he almost closed his eyes and just enjoyed hearing the sound of Sylar's voice, but he snapped himself out of it, not for the first time since all of this, feeling ashamed as he lifted his eyes back up again. ]

What do you want me to say, Nathan?

[ Because he figured no explanation would be good enough. It wasn't for anyone else, why would it be for him? ]

[ Nathan stepped down off the edge, shoving his NV back into his pocket, looking Peter right in the eyes. What was he supposed to say? He couldn't even really work out what he was feeling. It had been a year and a half for Peter, right? But sleeping with Sylar?

He'd listened to the conversations, because they'd all covered everything he actually wanted to say, heard Peter's explanations first hand, and now he shook his head, stepping forward, raising his right hand to point right at Peter. ]

I always knew you were a liability, Pete, but sleeping with a serial killer is a big deal even for you. You don't think maybe I shoulda heard this from you?

A liability?

[ Peter told himself to maintain eye contact, to keep looking at Nathan, to not stand down because as ashamed as he could be, he'd still made his decisions. He was still waiting for Sylar to come back, and he wouldn't take back what he'd done.

He'd stood his ground before, he most certainly could do it again. Except the only person who convinced him it was wrong to do so had been Nathan. It was only Nathan who had the ability to convince him that Adam was wrong, but Peter didn't even think he was capable of it this time. Sylar wasn't Adam. Sylar hadn't lied. ]

The only thing i'm a liability to is your reputation so don't even start. And you want to hear it from me? Fine, I'm sleeping with Sylar. You would've found out one way or another, why does it matter.

[ He felt that particular line as though Peter had positively socked him in the stomach with it. I'm sleeping with Sylar. He didn't know whether it was harder to deal with the fact that it was Sylar or that his little brother - his baby brother - was sleeping with other men. Where did he even begin with something like that?

He'd watched the video, seen it for himself, but the answer to how he was supposed to feel about it still hadn't really come to him. Angry. Maybe. Was he angry? This kind of crap was what he'd come to expect from Peter after more than two and a half decades of it.

He didn't know what to think, so maybe if he heard Peter out, he could work it out as he went along. ]

Why don't you start at the beginning. The truth this time, Pete.

[ And in all truth, Peter didn't know either: if it bothered Nathan more that it was Sylar, or if it was the fact that it was a man. Maybe he could test the waters by throwing Spike into the mix and see how Nathan felt about him, but Peter was already fumbling.

The only problem was he didn't know how to explain this because he didn't know how to explain how broken he'd been. The word didn't signify everything that had gone wrong, and so the intensity that Peter had started off with was already slipping, if only because he didn't think Nathan would understand, no matter what he said. ]

I told you the truth, Nathan. I did, nothing i've told you yet was a lie. And nothing I tell you's gonna make you get it because you don't understand. Nobody does, that was why all this started.

Maybe if Spike hadn't left -- [ Peter shrugged helplessly. ] I don't know, everything was already all wrong by the time Sylar blackmailed me into letting him move in with me, Nathan. And everything after that just didn't make it any easier to avoid the facts. [ The facts being that Sylar turned him on, but he wasn't going to say that. Just like he realized he'd said about twenty things in the span of a minute and that certainly wasn't going to help Nathan understand. ]

[ Okay, hang on a second. He opened his mouth to disagree that maybe if Peter tried to explain it he could try to understand - didn't he deserve the chance to try - and then Peter was carrying on.

Just hang on. Who the hell was Spike, and what kind of name was 'Spike' anyway?

Hang on. ]

Just stop for a damn second, will you?

[ Nathan raised his outstretched hand to his face, rubbing it flat across his eyes, dragging it over his mouth, then gestured at Peter again. ]

Are you saying Sylar tricked you into sleeping with him? No wonder he looked so pleased with himself.

[ Peter just gave Nathan an incredulous look before shaking his head, folding his arms across his chest almost protectively. ]

God, Nathan, no. That's not what i'm saying. You actually think somebody could trick me into sleeping with them? [ Wait, let's not forget about Adam.. ] And you know what, don't even answer that because I know exactly what you think.

He didn't trick me into anything. I knew what I was doing the whole time.

[ He dropped his hands back a moment later, slipping one into his pant pocket as he listened. At Peter's almost question he only raised his eyebrows at once, and was cut off quickly enough after that. Of course he did. And he thought back to Adam too. Scoffed. Maybe he'd just been blinding himself to it; maybe there'd been signs after all.

Nathan shook his head incredulously at himself, at Peter, at the whole situation. What was wrong with him? No, with them; with their whole damn family.

He exhaled shakily, turning away again without saying a word, staring off over the city. ]

Then you're right. I don't understand. [ He pressed his fingers against his eyes again. ] I want to. [ Said it louder. ] I want to, Pete. Help me to understand it.

[ The thing was, he didn't think Nathan could understand. Of course he desperately wanted him to, but Peter had never been the best at speaking. At explaining why he did the things he did outside of what he believed. He couldn't make Nathan understand before, why was now any different?

But if he didn't try, then it was on his head that Nathan couldn't get it. If he gave it a fighting chance, maybe he could get somewhere. Maybe Nathan wouldn't hate him at least. ]

I told you, Nathan. Everything went wrong. For months. My abilities... I was having trouble with my abilities, I closed myself off from everyone, I was scared of what would happen again. Nobody understood what was going on, except for Spike and then he left too. There's no good way to explain Sylar's ability unless you have it, Nathan.

And Sylar-- [ Sylar had said Peter was his, and he drops his gaze back down, scuffing his sneakers against the ground. ] Sylar understood.

[ The thing was that even if Nathan couldn't wrap his head about the details - that it was Sylar, that Peter had absorbed some kind of power that made him want to cut people open, that he was sleeping with men to the point where he was as serial in his relationships as Sylar was in his murders - the principals all made sense, at least in that odd, incomprehensible way that Petrellis had of making sense out of their decisions. It didn't matter how crazy they got so long as it made sense at the time, to them, and that was all that mattered. Like Coyote Sands and the Company. Like Nathan's press conference to reveal people with powers to the world. Like him and Peter going after Sylar without any backup. It all made sense, even when they stopped and thought about it harder, though it seemed crazy to everyone around them. And sometimes, like it had been with Building 26, it really was a mistake, just that as a family they were too damn stubborn to back down on it until it was too late.

So he understood why Peter backed this whole crazy thing, why he believed that there was something with Sylar, because until it all went pear shaped there probably was. And he would defend it to the grave if he had to, lose all his friends over it if he had to, fight for it--because he was a Petrelli, no matter that Peter did his best sometimes to try and pretend that he wasn't. No matter that Nathan himself tried to pretend Peter wasn't.

He was quiet for a long time, then looked back at Peter, and flicked his eyes, angling his jaw with a sharp nod toward the edge of the building where he was standing. ]

Come on over here.

Edited 2012-05-06 23:23 (UTC)

[ Peter wasn't entirely sure what Nathan was processing, what he was trying to convince himself of, but there was a million other things Peter knew he could say. That Sylar saved his life, that Sylar saved the port, that Peter didn't know who else to go to and Sylar had made himself known quite clearly as the best chance for help. Maybe he should mention Sasan and Amy, but maybe none of that truly mattered because at the end of the day it was still the fact that Peter believed that Sylar understood him better than anyone else. Sylar had helped him be something, even if it had required the long way to get there.

But he stayed quiet, waiting for what Nathan needed to say next and what he ended up saying made Peter blink, brow furrowed deep as he slowly walked over. Standing a few steps away from Nathan, Peter finally unfolded his arms and gave his brother a miserable sort of look. It was hard to explain the details of a relationship when his significant other was gone. Had been gone for over a week and now Peter was in pain. Incredibly so. Maybe he would've been brighter about the whole thing if Sylar was here. ]

What?

[ Nathan didn't immediately look at Peter, even when his brother spoke, still staring out across the city. It wasn't as if he hadn't fallen for people who were all wrong for him at the time, too. It wasn't as if he had a clean record of only ever making good decisions and right choices. He's lost his family, his credibility, almost gotten his only remaining relatives killed as goddamn terrorists, been ninety percent convinced that he could just sit back and watch his brother detonate in the middle of New York City. Compared to that? If sleeping with Sylar - was he really justifying this? - saved lives, saved people from Peter as much as Sylar, then who the hell was he to condemn it? He was no angel himself.

At last Nathan sighed, turning to look at Peter, stepping out toward him as though to reach up for his shoulder. ]

You're right that I don't understand. Not... The complicated stuff. You liking guys--that's a new one on me. I think it'd have Ma in a ball on the floor rocking back and forth by now. But I get it. I get it. [ He gestured helplessly, because the 'it' he was referring to was best described as a complicated whim of the universe, and getting it when he couldn't even describe it in the first place was a hard thing to even wrap his own head around. ] Help me out here, Pete.

[ Every time that Nathan hesitated, Peter followed suit, watching his brother perilously close. He kept expecting him to whip around with even more arguments, with things that Peter had done wrong, and how could he be this insane. The longer he had to wait for a response made Peter wonder if perhaps he was just reflecting his own thoughts onto Nathan, instead of Nathan really feeling that way. Or maybe more time meant more upset from Nathan.

And when Peter finally started to think about just how much he missed Sylar, ducking his face to stare down at his shoes, Nathan turned back around and Peter whipped his attention back up. Staring, just listening, shocked somehow that he wasn't raging. ]

What do you want me to help you with? I know I need to explain more, I know, I want to help, believe me, I just don't know-- [ The gesturing thing was also obviously genetic, or perhaps something Peter had picked up from watching Nathan when he was younger, because he was doing it now too, before shrugging. ] I'll tell you what you want to know. If you mean about the liking guys or just Sylar or... give me some kinda clue. Whatever I can tell you that means I don't have to lose you too.

[ Nathan almost smiled when Peter returned his vague airy gesture, because so close on top of his own it was more obvious than it'd ever been. He did, however, tighten his grip slightly on Peter's shoulder and step a little closer. ]

It's gonna take me a while to get used to any of that, and I'm guessing an explanation about why it's gotta be Sylar can wait. He helped you with your powers, I get that, but... I gotta go easy on you because you don't know what he's done, what he will do. And I guess he didn't know either, maybe that means... I don't know. That this place has messed him up too.

[ He shakes his head, trying to explain himself better. ]

In the future you decided the only way to save the world was to come back and shoot me. Things - people - change all the time. I do some pretty fucked up stuff too, doesn't mean I can't make up for it.

[ Nathan stepped forward, clamping Peter in a hug. ]

You're not gonna lose me, Pete. Not unless you decide you can't stand the sight of me.

[ Peter wasn't entirely sure if that was supposed to be an in for him to ask about what exactly Sylar does in the future, but he wasn't going to take it. Maybe later, but he didn't think it would matter one way or another even when he did. He wouldn't remember the information when he went home -- it wouldn't do anything to help or hinder him -- and then there was the fact that it would only unsettle him now even more so.

In all truth, hearing anything at all about Sylar was hard to stomach without the other man being here.

So all he could do was take the hug he was being offered, no matter how strange it seemed. Like he was being let off far too easily and he didn't know why. ]

You know that's never gonna happen, but-- [ Returning the hug, Peter sighs against Nathan's shoulder. ] You sure you're not mad at me? Nathan, everyone here hates me. Almost more than they hate Sylar -- if you saw all of that on the Network, you have to have seen everything else.

I saw. Saw he stopped you exploding. Saw a whole lotta things I wish I didn't too. And I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me, that I'm not mad.

[ But his chin was pressed against Peter's shoulder, and his eyes were closed tight. For a few moments he stayed there, just like that, not even risking breathing or talking in case he said the wrong thing. Eventually though, he met Peter's sigh and leaned back, trying to find his eyes. ]

Nothing's gonna change the fact that he's Sylar, or that you're... [ A slight shake of his head, since he still can't say it out loud. At last he just rolled his eyes at himself--this whole conversation was ridiculous. ] Never in a million years would I have thought I'd be talking to you about your bad choice in boyfriends, Pete, and who almost makes sense compared to dealing with that.

Not that it makes it any easier that it's Sylar, just saying I don't know where to start. [ He grimaced. ] Just tell me you're not killing people.

[ That he was what? Not straight? The fact that Nathan couldn't even say it kind of stung more than it should have compared to all the other things he was up against in this situation, but Peter couldn't change how he felt, his gaze dropping before he forced himself to pull it back up again.

Why was it so much easier to be confident when Sylar was around? It was almost like it was draining out of him by the day, the confidence in himself the other man had been so capable of building up in him. Not that Nathan was tearing him down, Peter was just used to Sylar being the source of his ability to be something. And now with Sylar gone, he was trying to find a way to make up for it and he was scrambling.

Especially so under Nathan's scrutiny. ]

Don't know if you would've liked Spike any more than Sylar. [ Easily mumbling it under his breath, Peter folded his arms across his chest, staring down at his feet before Nathan asked him the one question he didn't want to be asked. Flicking his gaze back upwards, he stared back at Nathan, blinking a few times blankly. He wasn't sure if there were things he should even admit to Nathan, but maybe he could.

He could test the waters, at least. ] Should I tell you if I was?

[ It was, to tell the truth, the hardest thing to deal with. Peter was hit and miss with how well he judged other people, but in truth his empathy was a bad thing, and he let it get the better of him so that he put his trust in those he really shouldn't. Their father, for example. So of course his choice in partner wasn't great, but it would be the same kind of not great whether Peter was straight, gay, or 'complicated' for that matter.

No, the problem was that he had a certain image of his brother built up in his head. They'd done things together that Peter being gay seemed to illegitimise, almost as though they weren't real, which was a common feeling as far as his memories went recently. All the times Peter had been his wingman, being the adorable little brother only for Nathan to elbow in on the pretty girl? It seemed like so long ago now. The conversations they'd had, the rare women he'd walked in on in Peter's apartment. Was any of that less real for this new knowledge?

How long had Peter been gay? Was it possible to even say? Why had Peter never told him? Wasn't that the kind of thing you shared with your older brother? Had he been dating men at home, and Nathan just hadn't known? What would have happened if everything had come out while he was running for Congress?

All in all, there were a lot of things concerning him right now, and though he really should be concentrating on one more than any other, on it being Sylar, he couldn't find it in him, not when he barely had time to think about one revelation before Peter hit him with another.

God. He had, hadn't he? ]

I'd have to ask you if they deserved it.

[ There was blood on all their hands, some - he thought of Angela - more than others. ]

[ If Peter knew everything that was going through Nathan's mind, he might be more insulted by some of those thoughts than simply ones about the dislike of Sylar being the boyfriend. That was expected, that made sense. Nobody believed that Sylar was anything more than a monster, nobody but him. And he'd grown used to hearing that concept. But Nathan believing that the things that they'd done were any less real because he was in a relationship with a man was an altogether different thing. It tarnished old memories that Peter didn't want ruined and Peter had never once lied about how he felt regarding a person.

Which explained how he felt about all of this to begin with. It was the person, not the gender, and maybe that would confuse Nathan even more. Which was why he'd never told him. Why he'd spared Nathan the details because hearing what if it came out while he was running for Congress would have blown a hole through Peter's heart and left him burnt from the inside out.

It wasn't like he wanted to keep secrets from Nathan. He just hadn't wanted the finger-pointing and the judging and the discrimination he knew would come along with it. But he'd grown up since then and could handle whatever the reveal brought.

Except for, perhaps, this one.

Without Sylar around to back up his beliefs, it was somehow that much harder to stand up for the things he'd done. To convince himself that it was okay to kill a bounty. Glancing off somewhere else, Peter tried to keep his features deprived of emotion. Something that wasn't easy for him. But nothing about this was easy for him and so he tried to back out before he could admit to anything further, shaking his head. ]

Don't worry about it, I haven't. Not really. Whole thing involves more telepathy than you probably want to think about.

[ However, just talking about it made his jaw clench, teeth grinding into the words. The hunger had been stirred up by Sylar, allowed to settle actively on the surface of his mind. And now with Sylar gone, he was having that much of a harder time repressing everything all over again. ]

[ There was nothing like that kind of relief, and Nathan raked his hands back through his hair, shuddering visibly. ]

Gave me the scare of the century, there, Pete.

[ He had no idea what he really meant. It involved telepathy? Killing imaginary people, then? But it meant that he had a vague clue, but no real understanding. So as usual he spoke up anyway. ]

Killing people in your dreams isn't exactly that weird. Those last few weeks before the vote came in? [ He stumbled to a stop. Had he dreamed about killing the opposition? He'd talked about it before, with his mother, but could he remember the actual dream? The harder he tried to make some kind of connection with it, the more aware he was that the memory just wasn't there. Not even a flicker of image, just an emptiness where he believed that a memory ought to be, where his memory of his memories said it should.

He paled, then shook his head, looking back up at Peter again. ]

Sorry. I had more to tell you but it's just... [ Slipped his mind. ] Probably wasn't important.

[ Listening to Nathan, and feeling a sudden pang of guilt regarding the fact that he just boldly lied about killing people, he manages an apologetic smile before ducking his face, scuffing at the ground awkwardly. It's not that he wants to lie, but there's just some things he's not sure he can tell. Granted, he wasn't sure he could tell people about Sylar, and he managed that. Perhaps this would just have to come in time, and perhaps no matter how long Peter waited, Nathan would still want to have him dragged off by SERO or taken straight to jail if he found out.

Maybe it was better to keep quiet.

When Nathan speaks up again, about dreaming about killing people, Peter tips his head slightly, curiously, just listening. Waiting for Nathan to go on, he's not sure if he should intervene with what it is he and Sylar do inside their minds, or if he's supposed to wait for Nathan to continue on with his story. Which apparently he isn't capable of doing and suddenly Peter's not too concerned with his guilt, giving Nathan a little bit of a worried look. ]

You feeling okay? [ Taking a few steps closer, head tipped to give Nathan an intent look over. ]

You look kind of under the weather, want to grab something to eat somewhere?

[ If Peter couldn't, more like wouldn't, take care of himself, then he could at least make sure his brother was doing alright. Maybe he was simply jet-lagged from travelling inter-dimensionally, but that didn't make Peter any less concerned. ]

008. Video

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