sirenspull | thirty ninth dance

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thirty ninth dance | voice;

I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm all back to normal now. Um, thank you for everyone who was concerned or offered to help. It really does mean a lot.

[Still, despite that good news, her voice doesn't very relieved or happy. It doesn't sound sad, either; it's carefully neutral instead as she moves on.]

That's not really all I wanted to say, though. For anyone who knew Davesprite while he was here, he's gone home. He was, um, the orange boy with the wings. The timing seems pretty bad, I know, but I'm sure he wasn't in the hunt, so nobody should worry about that. I called and it kept ringing, so... For what it's worth, though, I'm sorry to all the friends he had here.

I guess that's all I really had to say.

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I know. He's a really good person, even if he says he isn't.

I can try and make this private and you can at least explain it to me, maybe? And then I can decide if it's more than I want or not. Um, unless you don't want my help! That's fine, too.

Mm. He was a jerk about that, too.

[Awkward Aoko is awkward.]

If . . . you want.

I think maybe he's just confused.

[She switches the feed.]

Okay, nobody else should be able to hear us now.

I think he was just proud of it. It's a way to hide . . . you know?

Enn . . . and thanks.

[She's quiet again for a few moments, trying to sort out her thoughts and how to approach it.]

[Finally she just rolls up her sleeve a bit, revealing a few black feathers rooted into the skin.]

I think you've seen these before. You . . . didn't like them then.

That's one way to look at it.

[She blinks, surprised, but tries not to look frightened lest she offend the other girl.]

...That was you?

[Aoko seems to sense it anyway, eyes averting as she tugs the sleeve back down, shifting a bit of hair behind her ear.]

Don't tell anyone. I meant to tell both of you anyway. I felt really bad; I didn't mean to find out about either of you.

[Again,] They bother you.

I won't tell anyone, I promise! You haven't told anyone about either of us, so it's only fair.

[She pauses.]

I'm sorry, it's really not anything personal! I didn't mean to seem upset.

Thank you . . .

Mm, it's fine. Just . . . why?

Oh, it's just - crows and ravens, they were sort of bad news back home. But I know things are different here, so it wasn't fair of me to act so scared back then. I'm sorry.

Anyways, um... What about them did you need help with? If you want to get rid of them, it might be better to talk to a doctor than to me.

Edited 2012-08-04 02:10 (UTC)

Really . . . don't be sorry. I'd rather you were just honest. You know?

[Ahiru isn't going very deep, which really makes Aoko hesitate about going any further . . . but drawing a breath, she nudges forward. There doesn't seem to be anywhere else to go.]

Mm . . . I've been changing at night. For a couple of months.

[She pauses in surprise again, before leaning in a little closer to the screen with a worried interest. Changing? Was it like what happened to Mytho back home? Her voice is hushed and somewhat nervous, though she tries to tame the anxiety before speaking.]

Changing? Into what?

Kaito says it's like a bird. Somewhere between bird and human.

[Her mouth twists, her fingers brushing her sleeve.] I guess because of these.

And he was helping you with it? What was he doing to help you?

[A sharp flicker of pain, guilt crosses Aoko's face, almost as though she's been jabbed.]

He helps me at night. Tries to keep me from getting out.

It's . . . more than he should ever have to do.

[She pauses, and then she looks guilty as well.]

I have... other responsibilities after sirens, or I would definitely help with that. Is that what Davesprite did, too?

[A quick, sharp shake of the head.]

He changed once himself. Even if it wasn't the same . . . it was nice to have someone who understood.

'M scared. A lot. I'm not myself when all that happens. I don't even remember it. And . . . I hurt people. Kaito . . . Other people too.

I just want it to stop. 'M not strong enough to make it stop.

It's not your fault! I mean, I'm sure you don't mean to hurt them. It's not a choice you make. But I can definitely understand being scared about that, too.

There are a lot of people in this city with powers who could help you, though! I think you just have to find someone with the right ability. There has to be someone who can make it better.

[But again her head shakes, almost involuntarily.]

That Kyuubey . . . he always talks about making a wish. To make magical girls.

. . . I made a wish too. I made . . . a really awful wish. Whatever this is . . . it comes from inside me. Because I can't -- haven't -- fixed whatever's wrong inside of me. Because I'm not strong enough.

[Her expressions grows slightly more feared at those words, and the next words are spoken instinctively, though she's misunderstanding what Aoko meant.]

If you think Kyubey can fix it, he can't. There has to be another way to fix it, you can't contract!

[Her eyes shoot up at that.]

E-Eh? No, not like that; I'm not going to-- . . .

[She releases a breath through her nose, trying to re-sort the conversation.] I mean . . . I was in another place before this. There was a jewel there that all together was supposed to have the power to change fate. The jewel broke, and there wasn't anyone who could put it back together -- no one had any magic or abilities, not like here. So someone -- something -- pulled people there from other worlds.

I didn't have any power in my world, but I had it when I came to that one. I had my wish . . . I had the power to . . . stop someone I really wanted stopped in my own world. Someone I didn't even have the power to touch at home. I was . . . really excited.

Even that would have been bad enough. But then I got a piece of that jewel . . . and I started to change. I hurt that person more and more. I . . . liked it.

[She can't quite bring herself to say that she nearly killed him. It's too much.]

And just as I was about to win, I put the piece of jewel inside of me for more power and started to change. Into the same creature. And even when Kaito changed me back . . . I still have these feathers.

That's how I know it's still inside me. And how I know I'm not strong enough if I'm changing again.

I won't contract with Kyuubey. If one wish went wrong, who's to say another won't too?

[She's quiet throughout the story, though her expression betrays her concern and worry. How horrible...]

Something to change fate really made things that bad? Changing fate is a good thing, though.

I think that kind of thing would be tempting to anyone, so you shouldn't blame yourself! You shouldn't blame yourself if you're changing again, either. You should just try to find help.

[She lets out a sigh of relief.]

Good. Kyubey... He's really not someone you should trust. Just remember that, alright?

What if your fate was meant to be good all along and you went and changed it, never realizing it? You're promised to change fate, and that sounds good, but what if it was something that shouldn't be touched?

. . . I guess the way someone explained it to me was the jewel took the deepest desire of your heart and made it possible. But somewhere in the middle of all that, it twists, because you can't control fate. It will always twist somewhere you don't expect.

Back at home, being able to do something about this person could have been a good thing. My father has spent years of his life trying to catch him and make him pay for his crimes. It meant I didn't get to see him much. I was angry -- so angry. So I had this wish.

I couldn't know I'd like the power that much -- or how far it would go. But still . . . it's my fault for having the wish in the first place. For being that naive. For not realizing what I could do.

[Her nose wrinkles sharply, but the derisiveness is aimed at the thought of making another wish, not Ahiru.]

You think after all that I'd go make another wish?

I guess it would be different if your fate was a good one, but I know there are times it's should be changed. No, that it needs to be changed. And you can control it, too. We decide our own fate.

I don't think it's wrong to have a wish to help your father. Wanting to see him again... That's natural. And there was no reason for you to think that it would have turned out the way it did. Trying to do the right thing is never naive.

[She shakes her head quickly.]

I didn't mean to imply you'd make a mistake like that! But... I know he can make people think contracting is a good idea really easily, even when it's a bad idea.

I guess I don't believe that -- that fate can be controlled. Because if everyone has free will and everyone's trying to just live and make their own choices . . . there are things you're never going to be able to predict that's going to affect you. You can only make your own choices and hope you don't really mess up.

I really messed up. I could be okay with that if . . . it wasn't hurting everyone else. If I didn't keep messing up.

Kaito doesn't want me to believe that either -- that I messed up. But either way, it's not going to change what's going on. I can't keep hurting people.

I'm sorry, but I don't think that's true. Fate is something we decide for ourselves... We all have the power to choose our own free will. And what you just said about making your own choices, that's part of free will too.

Well, do you know a way to stop yourself from changing? I still don't think it's your fault, but you're right that it's important to end it somehow.

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