sirenspull | † THREE [voice] - backdated to about the 16th.

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† THREE [voice] - backdated to about the 16th.

[ Well, he's taken some time to mull over what Magento told him about his time in the Port: the time he doesn't remember. And thinking it over, trying to reason it out, searching for a shred of memory to explain why he'd done it... nothing like that had worked. So, finally, the younger Winchester comes over the feed, his voice almost jerky, mechanical. To many, it may seem like he's just tired, but to those who know him well... ]

Sorry about being M.I.A. If anyone needs me, I'll be around. I'm taking a sort of--

[ He trails off, and then clears his throat. ]

... Anyway. I'll be back soon.

[Private to Dean Winchester:]
I'm not going to be at home for a few days. Don't tell Mom, alright? I don't want her to worry.

[Private to Castiel:]
Can we talk? In person?

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[Castiel has had way too much going on this week, and hasn't been checking the network at all until Crowley's return earlier that day. Now he's glancing through his NV again, looking back at what he missed, and oops. He definitely hadn't meant to ignore Sam, even with what happened with Dean.

Which is what he assumes this conversation will be about.]

Of course. Where?

Edited 2012-08-01 04:26 (UTC)

[ Sam doesn't know anything, really, about what happened with Dean. He's been more than holed up in his own head for a while. He'd thought that things would end up okay, but... well, he'd fallen back down into some miserable state of affairs again. So. ]

Anywhere. [ Actually: ] ... Somewhere away from... everything.

[ "Everyone." ]

[He's hesitant, unsure now if this is about Dean or not, but what else would it be? Castiel is pretty sure his friends know better than to tell Sam about what happened before, so he's not really even considering it.]

By the coast is usually quiet.

[He would suggest the docks but he and Lucifer kind of made a mess of part of them.]

Alright. [ brb making his way over there now ] I'll see you soon.

Alright.

[And he'll be waiting quietly, if a bit tensely. It's approaching Darkness, he realizes, but it hasn't fallen yet and Castiel can get them both inside when necessary anyway.]

[ A small, ridiculous part of Sam almost hopes he gets stuck out at night, as if dealing with the Darkness could be retribution. Not likely. In any case, when he spots Cas near the coast, he stops short, feet almost dug into the ground. Swallowing his rising grief, he steps forward again, nodding stiffly at the angel. ]

Thanks for coming.

Of course.

[He's watching Sam closely, on edge just a little, as he always subconsciously is now around him. He knows, logically, that this situation is completely different, that this Sam is different, but that knowledge doesn't seem to have much effect on his instincts.]

Are you alright?

[He finally asks, eventually deciding on Sam's reaction being nervousness or anxiety.]

Edited 2012-08-01 04:44 (UTC)

[ Is he alright. He tries in vain to think of a recent time when he could honestly say yes to that question. ]

... No. [ C'mon, Sam. More. ] No, I'm--

[ How do you apologize for something like that? Something you don't remember? ]

Cas, I-- [ ... ] I'm sorry. I'm-- what happened, I don't... I can't make up for it. I don't remember, so I can't say why I... attacked you, but... that doesn't cover it. I'm not sure--

[ He glances away quickly, face contorted with frustration and... well, angst. ]

I don't know. I don't know what was going through my head, but, obviously, something was seriously wrong. With me. And I can't-- I won't let anything like that happen again. To be honest, I can't imagine even considering it to begin with. But...

[ He scrubs a hand over his face, taking slow breaths. ]

[That is not the response he's expecting. Not the 'no'--that was expected more or less--but the rest of it, and Castiel is shocked for a moment, because this is not something he wants to be dealing with. It's not something he wants Sam to be dealing with either.

He's silent for several seconds, carefully controlling his expression, totally still as he tries to figure out what to do or say, and what his emotions are doing.]

Who told you?

[It's quiet, and not exactly what he meant to ask, but there's a reason. Sam sounds like he only has half the story, and that's not right; Castiel doesn't really want to go over this all again, but if Sam's been told some of it, then he deserves to actually know what happened and why. He doesn't need to feel so guilty over something that isn't and wasn't, truly, his action.]

It isn't...

[He stops, then, because he doesn't know what he's trying to say. But he tries again.]

It isn't something for you to apologize for.

[For so many reasons.]

[ Sam considers the question for a moment, his expression still lost, torn. ] Does it matter? [ He says finally, wanting to not get his benefactor in trouble just yet. ]

'It isn't--' [ He cuts off, trying to repeat what's been said. Finally, he shakes his head in disbelief, running his tongue over dry lips. ] Of course it's my fault. I doubt anyone put a gun to my head. Even then, I wouldn't-- it's still not okay. No way. This is on me.

[ How could it not be his fault? ]

Yes.

[Because Castiel needs to know who to be angry at, and what slant Sam might have gotten on the story, and what damage control might need to be done. As it is, he shakes his head slightly as well, staring at Sam with his usual intensity.]

You weren't thinking clearly, and what happened was as much my responsibility as yours.

Regardless, you remember nothing of it; you are not even from the same point in time as you were before. You, are you are, have done nothing.

[Though Castiel knows that won't necessarily help. Castiel knows what happens in his future, and though he hasn't done it yet, he still feels the weight of those choices.]

Edited 2012-08-01 20:05 (UTC)

[ He wants to keep his informant out of this, to repay him... but more than that, he wants to make Cas understand. So, looking reluctant, Sam gives out the name. ]

Mangeto. [ but then: ] Listen, even if that's true, that doesn't make up for it. Even if I had to deal with those cravings forever, I would never try to fix things by hurting you. Any of you. So...

[ How can he make up for it? Take forgiveness for sins he doesn't remember? ]

Of course it was.

[His tone changes slightly, some combination of exasperation and anger, because Magneto had no right to tell Sam about this. Not after what he'd done, after the fears Castiel has about what he told him, and more simply just because he doesn't have the whole picture. But he doesn't go into anything about that with Sam just yet.]

You needn't make up for it. It won't happen again.

[So they can just move past it, or try to. It's easier said than done sometimes, but that isn't Sam's fault. Not this Sam, anyway.]

Do you want to know exactly what occurred?

[He'll tell him if it will help; if it won't and Sam doesn't want to know, he won't.]

No, it won't. [ He'd make sure of it.

Does he want to know exactly what happened? Yes. Absolutely. Something holds his tongue momentarily, as a tiny part of his brain reasons out what sort of impact the knowledge will have on him. He was only told part of the story? What else had he done? And could he handle it?

... Of course, dammit, he couldn't just... live in ignorance, going on like he had, like he hadn't done anything wrong. ]

Yeah. Can you tell me?

Yes.

[He gives a small nod, firmly, almost as though he's trying to convince himself as he answers. He's barely talked about any of this, because it had been a disaster; he's messed everything up and nearly ended up dead because of it, and Sam had nearly been lost completely. It had been an awful time, but this Sam deserves to know, and to hear it from him.

He just has to figure out how to start.]

When I arrived here, you were already present in the city and had been for a few months. The point in time you came from, you had just drank more demon blood than ever before, as part of a plan to defeat Lucifer once and for all.

I don't know how you were holding off the withdrawal symptoms, but you said that you were, and the point in time I had come from I was essentially mortal. We were living together for a time, until something began to affect you; it may have been the Core or another individual's power, I'm not certain. But it heightened your need for demon blood, I was the only supernatural being from our world you had access to.

[He says it all quietly, methodically, separating himself from the events. It doesn't make sense to him, even now, why this ordeal had been so upsetting after everything he'd gone through in his life, but it had.

He hesitates at this part of the story, trying to figure out how to put the next part. Finally, though, he just lifts his chin slightly, raising a hand to indicate a faint silver scar along the left side of his throat. He can't get rid of it with his grace no matter how hard he tries.]

You drank some of my blood; enough to realize it worked as a substitute for demon blood.

[And this is, unfortunately, only the very beginning of the story.]

Edited 2012-08-02 03:14 (UTC)

[ He doesn't know that this is only the beginning of the story. Sure, Magento had said that there was more, but... this is all he knows, and it's enough. Except, it isn't-- it can't be, because he's got to make up for everything. So, if his cravings and attack are just the beginning, well...

Sam swallows, nodding stiffly. ]

I'm sorry, Cas.

[ He says it again, quietly, though the angel's already forgiven him. Words aren't enough, but that's really all he can do right now. That, and listen, and try to understand. ]

... And then?

It is alright, Sam.

[He says it quietly as well, before glancing away and taking another few moments before he speaks again. This is where things start to get really bad.]

A few months passed, and Crowley arrived. You and he struck a deal and Crowley agreed to provide blood for a time in hopes of lowering your need for it until you could go through withdrawal safely.

[Again he pauses, because he's still unclear on so much.]

I don't know what you believed, but as I understood you had come to the end of your supply and were beginning to suffer the symptoms of withdrawal, and there was too much risk to simply let it proceed. So I offered to extend the step-down process with my blood, instead.

[He's still not sure if Sam believed he was going to die like Castiel had, or if Sam had been using him from the beginning. It doesn't really matter now.]

This went on for several weeks, until I couldn't sustain it any longer at the current rate. Something, whether my blood or the amount of demon blood and the length of time, had begun to change your personality.

[And another pause before he continues, staring off over the ocean.]

When I attempted to lower the amount, you decided to kill me. I believe you intended to use the remainder of my blood to enhance your strength even farther in order to confront Lucifer; angel blood seems to grant more power than demon blood overall.

I escaped, and Magneto trapped you in his danger room to detox. However, before you did, it seems your symptoms disappeared completely. Our world's God is here, and it was likely His doing.

Edited 2012-08-05 03:39 (UTC)

[ All of this, he can swallow. Sort of. It's almost physically painful, hearing the things he'd done to his friends, and the lengths everyone took to get him to stop. But, what did it take?

His expression is suddenly shocked, and he takes an involuntary step. ]

God? What-- are you serious?

[ Of course he is; Cas doesn't joke. But, they'd doubted God's existance, and now... he was here, in the Port?

Abruptly, Sam wondered if his brother had gone after the deity yet, cursed him for everything they'd been through. He hoped not. ]

... I don't know what to say. [ It's true. His expression is just about wrecked. ] There's no way to make up for it, I know. Especially when I don't remember it. But, Cas, I swear, I wouldn't... I'd never, not even to stop Lucifer.

[ And, Crowley? He didn't even know Crowley. ]

[Castiel's attention snaps back at Sam as he suddenly moves, tense like a bird about to take flight, but then he settles again almost immediately.]

Yes. I had heard rumors that He was here, but He later contacted me and confirmed it.

[He had never spoken to or seen His Father, and receiving a real sign from Him had been an incredible experience. He was also pretty certain it had been his Father that had spoken to him while he'd been comatose from an illness a few months ago, but he didn't have confirmation.

He's quiet, watching Sam's expression, and it's not difficult to read just how upset he is about what happened. It's not fair for him carry the burden of this--something he'd never actually done himself--and that's why Castiel hadn't wanted him to know at all.]

I know, Sam. It's alright.

[If he keeps saying it, maybe Sam will believe it. And it's true; Castiel hasn't gotten over it, really, but it's also not this Sam's fault. The situation would never been repeated, and the same mistakes wouldn't be made. It was over and done with and there's no reason for Sam to carry guilt, and Castiel doesn't blame him for any of this.]

We were both at fault, for different good intentions.

[Sam, as twisted and dark as he'd become, had been wanting to defeat Lucifer and was simply taking an ends justify the means approach. And Castiel had made a bad decision, to offer to supply him in the first place, but he'd done it to try to save Sam's life.

They'd both made their mistakes, and they were even, and this new Sam certainly doesn't deserve any blame.]

[ God. God spoke with Cas, here. Sam's almost struck dumb, momentarily forgetting everything else, the main subject of their bleak conversation. He still prayed (not every day, like before,) but... still. He had to hope that there was something looking out for them, who knew what they'd been through. Who could protect those close to them. And, it hadn't been in vain? Who knew.

Sam's expression softens, as if this tangent has sobered him up a bit, lessened his grief, slightly. ]

Alright. [ It leaves a sour taste, saying that it's fine, when it isn't. But, Castiel's taken the time to try and assuage his fears, to explain, so... he has to try, too. ] Alright.

Thanks for coming. [ He nods, firmly, furrowing his brow. ] At least... it's over now, right? And you're okay.

[ He hopes, anyway. ]

... Am I missing anything else, or...?

I'm fine, Sam. The last of this happened in February, and I have regained all of my power since then.

[He's not stuck half-mortal anymore, and he's able to heal himself and fly and do everything else he should be able to. The memories and stress just add to a long list of others, and he can deal with it.

He considers Sam's last question a moment, before giving something of a half-shrug of one shoulder.]

Magneto isn't supposed to speak with you. I told him I would kill him if he came near you or any of my other friends.

[That counts as 'anything else' he's pretty sure.]

... At least it's been a while. [ If that helps, it's something. And Cas said he had his abilities back, which was an encouraging fact. ]

--Don't kill him. [ He says, and quickly adds: ] Please. I'm the one who agreed to meet up, to hear what he had to say. It's half my fault.

It has.

[Long enough to move on, for the most part, even if he just sort of has to ignore what happened to do so. That's no different than anything else that's happened in his life.]

You didn't know.

[But he also doesn't look like he's about to fly off and kill anyone, either. He's just tired of this; of being afraid that Magneto's going to hurt one of his friends like he did before, and tired of fighting. He's in a lose-lose position and he knows it, and it's just another thing he has to figure out what to do about.]

Still. [ He'd have to add more guilt to the already-heaping pile if someone was hurt, or killed, because he'd been poking around for information. ]

I know I shouldn't have been trying to figure this all out without talking to you guys-- I get it. This is what's happened, and I did it to myself. Just...

[ There's a half-shrug, and a helpless sort of look. ]

He is dangerous, Sam. He killed a friend of mine, and he is living with Lucifer. He should not have been near you.

[And surely not representing himself as a friend, as he surely had. Or talking about something that wasn't his business to begin with.]

You had reason to want to know. I don't blame you for doing so, and neither should anyone else.

[And a small pause, because he feels that he owes a bit of an explanation as well.]

I didn't want you to know because it is not your responsibility. You should not carry the weight of what happened.

† THREE [voice] - backdated to about the 16th.

[Same filter] | Icly late, evening of the 21st

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