sirenspull | [ voice ]

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[ voice ]

Hey - guys. Uh...

[A voice post from Jesse? Not his usual style. It sounds like he's outside and struggling to drag something.]

Can you believe there's like no cabs down by Sector 10? Like at all? What's the deal? Tried calling and they won't even come out this way. It's bananas.

So I just, uh -

[He sucks in sharply and stops moving. There's a thump, presumably as he leans against a wall.]

Any one of you guys a healer? Like a healer, not a doctor. I know, I know, it's gonna be dark soon. I'll pay you if you can just, like, get out here. Fast. Before dark. Please.

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I was mugged, okay? I ain't happy about it, either.

I know, you told me already.

[Trying soooo hard not to be as bossy and pushy as she really, really wants to be. Jesse's a big boy, this is his business.]

So stop acting like it's my fault.

I'm acting like there's a story you're not telling. That's different. I know there's some reason you're lying to me, so I won't push any more, but don't treat me like I'm stupid. Please.

[There's one very long, tense pause.

Then:]

I'm an addict, okay? I'm a drug addict.

[There's a long, long silence. It might sound like judgment- and part of it is. Part of it is feeling a punch to the stomach and a skin-crawling urge to shut off her NV and start walking until she reaches the ocean. This is almost the same problem Sam had, and... he wasn't Sam anymore.

No, she tells herself, get a grip. If Jesse is calling it drugs, then it's obviously something normal- normal drugs. Get a grip.]

Damn it, Jesse.

[Now that she knows, she can't just leave it alone. She has to try to convince him to get help. She wouldn't be a good friend if she didn't. Or whatever they are to each other.]

I'm sober now. I'm three months sober. Ever since I got here, I promise, the whole time you've known me, I ain't been using. But that's the whole thing, like, why I don't wanna see a doctor. 'cause that's all it takes, right? One little Vicodin. It's like stepping stones.

Oh.

[A sigh of relief. Okay, that makes sense. Incredible, depressing sense.]

If you tell them, they'd find other ways to take care of the pain. There are people with healing powers there or the power to erase pain.

I just wanna deal with it myself, you know? Away from all that shit.

I don't blame you, Jesse, but don't think you have to deal with everything alone. You don't.

Not everything. But this is one of those things.

I don't know much about normal addictions, but I'm pretty sure that it's something that's easier to handle when you have support.

I mean- as long as it's someone. Anyone.

[She's just worried.]

Yeah. Yeah, I got... somebody.

[Because if there's anyone in the world who wants to keep him off drugs, it's Mr. White.]

I'm glad.

There's nothing worse than being alone.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Before.

[She exhales tersely.]

I... I understand why you didn't.

Still, it's... Like, you don't even know what kinda guy I really am. It's messed up.

What does that mean?

[She's so sick of secrets. Dishonesty.]

Back home, you know, everybody says I'm just some junkie loser. Like a waste of space. Like... I'm pretty sure everybody thought they'd be better off if I was dead. And I think they were right, you know?

So coming here, I thought, "Great. Now I can do it over. I can be somebody better." That's why I haven't told anybody, like anybody.

But, uh, I dunno. I dunno if that was right. 'cause I don't think it was right, making you think I was somebody good.

What makes you think you can't do better? You aren't in your old circumstances anymore. You have the power to choose how you live your life.

That don't change me, though. I'm always gonna be that guy.

What you do doesn't define who you are. Who you are defines what you do.

I think most people know how to do the right thing, they just... ignore the voice in their heart telling them what that is.

Ain't that all the same thing? I mean, what's the difference between doing bad 'cause you don't know better and doing bad 'cause you're ignoring your heart? Either way, it's all bad.

Can you hear yourself? You know when you do something wrong. You could easily choose to do the right thing, and even make up for the wrong you've done in the past. Everyone can be good if they choose it.

[God, he would love to believe that. He would. Except every decision he makes for a "good" reason leads to something bad. Like cooking meth. Like killing Jane. Like killing Gale. And he's never been good, not even when he was a kid. He's always been the disappointment.

If who you are defines what you do, then he must be pretty bad.

But he nods - then remembers he's not on video and verbalizes halfheartedly:]

Yeah.

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