sirenspull | [ voice ]

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[ voice ]

Hey - guys. Uh...

[A voice post from Jesse? Not his usual style. It sounds like he's outside and struggling to drag something.]

Can you believe there's like no cabs down by Sector 10? Like at all? What's the deal? Tried calling and they won't even come out this way. It's bananas.

So I just, uh -

[He sucks in sharply and stops moving. There's a thump, presumably as he leans against a wall.]

Any one of you guys a healer? Like a healer, not a doctor. I know, I know, it's gonna be dark soon. I'll pay you if you can just, like, get out here. Fast. Before dark. Please.

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Not everything. But this is one of those things.

I don't know much about normal addictions, but I'm pretty sure that it's something that's easier to handle when you have support.

I mean- as long as it's someone. Anyone.

[She's just worried.]

Yeah. Yeah, I got... somebody.

[Because if there's anyone in the world who wants to keep him off drugs, it's Mr. White.]

I'm glad.

There's nothing worse than being alone.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Before.

[She exhales tersely.]

I... I understand why you didn't.

Still, it's... Like, you don't even know what kinda guy I really am. It's messed up.

What does that mean?

[She's so sick of secrets. Dishonesty.]

Back home, you know, everybody says I'm just some junkie loser. Like a waste of space. Like... I'm pretty sure everybody thought they'd be better off if I was dead. And I think they were right, you know?

So coming here, I thought, "Great. Now I can do it over. I can be somebody better." That's why I haven't told anybody, like anybody.

But, uh, I dunno. I dunno if that was right. 'cause I don't think it was right, making you think I was somebody good.

What makes you think you can't do better? You aren't in your old circumstances anymore. You have the power to choose how you live your life.

That don't change me, though. I'm always gonna be that guy.

What you do doesn't define who you are. Who you are defines what you do.

I think most people know how to do the right thing, they just... ignore the voice in their heart telling them what that is.

Ain't that all the same thing? I mean, what's the difference between doing bad 'cause you don't know better and doing bad 'cause you're ignoring your heart? Either way, it's all bad.

Can you hear yourself? You know when you do something wrong. You could easily choose to do the right thing, and even make up for the wrong you've done in the past. Everyone can be good if they choose it.

[God, he would love to believe that. He would. Except every decision he makes for a "good" reason leads to something bad. Like cooking meth. Like killing Jane. Like killing Gale. And he's never been good, not even when he was a kid. He's always been the disappointment.

If who you are defines what you do, then he must be pretty bad.

But he nods - then remembers he's not on video and verbalizes halfheartedly:]

Yeah.

[That's not a convinced voice. Not at all.]

Jesse... you want to be a good person, right?

Yeah.

[That one's more sincere.]

Then do it. You have that option. You know that, right?

[For some people, it just never occurs to them. Mary's met people like that. It's incredibly sad.]

[Maybe turning his life around would've been possible before today. Maybe if he hadn't tried to go right back to cooking once he was over the flu. But that was the choice he made this morning, and now he's promised fealty to a mass-murdering clown with a lab full of enough evidence to lock Jesse in prison forever. Now he's beaten and bleeding and back to his old ways. And, if he's honest with himself, he couldn't have pictured his life going any other direction. This is what he knows.

But he takes a deep breath, runs a hand over his face to brush those emotions aside, and answers with a more perfectly-delivered lie:]

Yeah. Yeah, I know. "The serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can." They're all about that, those meetings.

You don't sound very convinced. I wish there was something I could do to help.

You do. You help me all the time.

I'm glad. That's what friends are for.

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