003 // VIDEO // BACKDATED TO THE 14TH

[plushrumpus]

[Afternoon, Siren's Port. Today you're getting a shot from what appears to be the kitchen of the Strider apartment, with one eldest Strider front and center in his usual clothes, plus one Cookie Monster apron complete with giant googly eyes and Cal with his arms wrapped over his shoulders. Nothing all that ordinary.

Except for the part where Bro doesn't actually cook, as is probably evident by all the non-food preparation items littering the room. Meaning this can only end well.]

Sup to my fellow Port residents, and welcome to Cooking with the Striders, shitty title I made up just now pending. Today was going to be the day I unloaded some sickwicked 411 on how to make nothing but the illest of sheet cakes. Shit, who doesn't like that, right? Great for any occasion and delicious to boot. But if you're like me and have puppets for baking assistants, that don't always go so well. [Bro leans to the side and jerks his thumb over his shoulder, gesturing to a still-smoking, charred monstrosity in a cake pan on the table on the other side of the room.] Needless to say, the guy in charge of timers has since been demoted to oven mitt. [Shrug.] That's just how we fuckin' do in my kitchen.

[He then resumes his spot, blocking the view of the table, as well as the smoke detector on the wall above it with a throwing knife lodged in it for what are probably self-explanatory reasons.] Sorry to say, that footage has since been deemed as "inappropriate for broadcast," we're just gonna say fuck that and jump right to the fun part.

[Something in those words triggers several items to pop out of his sylladex, of which he swiftly catches. In one hand, rests a plain white store-bought cake. In the other, several colors of spray icing.]

Some may call this cheating. I just call it idiot-proof. [He then sets the cake down, pops the lid off, and sets to work spraying patterns all over the edges.] And by idiot-proof, I really mean puppet-proof. No offense, Lil' Cal. [Bro turns his head and briefly offers a grin to where the puppet in question looks like he's peering over his other shoulder.] It's cool, he knows it ain't personal.

[Once the cake looks sufficiently scribbled-on from this angle, he then turns to the center of it, of which has left blank.] Now if you wanna personalize it further and write something out, you gotta keep a real steady hand so it don't look like shit. Trust me, lettering is a bitch. [Which, surprisingly or not, he's actually pretty good at doing. Yay for excellent fine motor skills.]

Now, last step in my case is to get my crown- [Bro sets down his icing and reaches off screen for a moment to grab what appears to be an ornate plastic gold crown that he himself has customized with stick-on rainbow rhinestones spelling out "DOUCHE" in big capital letters. His expression is straight through and through as he sets it over his trademark grey cap, where it sits surprisingly well.] By the way, today's show is dedicated to my lil' bro. I mean, I kinda wanted it to be a surprise for when he gets home from his date, but what the hell, right?

[He lifts and tilts the cake up for his viewers to see, finally, now covered in multi-colored flowers and squiggles and hearts. In the middle is playful script reading the following:]



Not like it fuckin' matters, but hey, this probably means my future nieces and nephews are gonna be at least twenty-five percent more anime if the dog girl thing is hereditary. So this is for you, Dave. For real, I'm proud of you. She's a keeper.

Comments

1/spam

[rehashes]

[ oh ]

[rehashes]

[ my ]

[rehashes]

[ fucking ]

[rehashes]

[ GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD ]

[rehashes]

[ BRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ]

[rehashes]

[ YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ]

[rehashes]

[ you are worse than John. ]

[rehashes]

[ YOU ARE WORSE THAN EVERYONE ]

[rehashes]

[ YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WORST KIND OF PERSON THAT EVER EXISTED ]

[rehashes]

[ YOU ARE JUST ]

[rehashes]

[ THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE ]

[rehashes]

[ YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING ]

ACTION

[rehashes]

DOUCHE.

[ viewers at home, your cooking show has become fight club. Dave is dropping down on Bro from god only knows where with a sword and it's about to get ugly. there is shit just flying out of his sylladex—DOUCHE (1+2+2+1+1+2=9) and ASSHOLE (2+1+1+1+2+1+2=10) trigger a tsunami of dead monster pieces raining from the sky, FUCK (1+2+1+1=5) and PRICK (1+1+2+1+1=6) unleash the slightly more deadly plethora of knives—and things getting overturned and it is just not pretty.

it's not pretty at all. ]

[Voice]

[gunsling]

[ Nieces and nephews. Oh... Dog girl? Oh. ]

What.

VOICE

[plushrumpus]

[Don't mind the incensed screaming in the background. That's just Dave.]

Surprise.

(1/?)

[prankmaster]

[ oh ]

(1/?)

[prankmaster]

[ my ]

te%t!

[horsepower]

[Well congratulations to the Strider human, he supposes! But there's another burning inquiry resting in his thinkpan here.]

D --> What's a gay

[plushrumpus]

what.
seriously.
well okay its like how when two people who love each other very much do this thing called having sex so they can make babies.
you with me so far.
so its like that but with two dudes.
only they cant make babies they just do it in the butt.
among other things.
make sense.

text;

[vestalvogue]

I Would Congratulate You On Being Some Kind Of A Successful Troll
But Honestly I Am Anticipating That Any Second Now You Are Going To Be Shot
So What Would Be The Point

[plushrumpus]

[Yeah, he's still kinda working on making that... not happen.]

just in case im not.
but hey posthumous congrats are welcome anyway.

text;

[bestie]

oh my GoD
daves dating jase???
*jade
finally were gettin some action in here
gj kids ;)

[plushrumpus]

you heard it here first.

[crowsicle]

[Someone's not coming to the kitchen.]

you know bro you couldve just asked me

[plushrumpus]

[Good call. Y'know, on account of Dave's immediate retaliation.]

asked what.

[greenshift]

[ SCREAM SHE IS GOING TO MURDER YOU, STRIDER

okay not really but w o w ]

this really isnt funny :|

[plushrumpus]

i just blew it again didnt i.
gonna get the angry brows.
i can feel them coming my way.
its okay.
i deserve it.

[justwillow]

[You just get this face.]

VOICE

[plushrumpus]

[From the sounds of fighting and one younger Strider hollering in the background, there's a good reason he doesn't have the video on.]

No good, huh? Well fuck, that was just the pilot, so I don't think I'll get far. Pretty sure you gotta be able to at least fake having a talent for cooking to get a cooking show on the air these days.

text

[reassures]

[SCREAM

WHAT DID YOU DO TO THAT FIRST CAKE

that is pretty much Nill's initial reaction when this whole thing starts because you would seriously need to do something very wrong to fuck up a cake that badly.

But then the whole thing keeps going downhill and she realizes holy shit this is Dave's brother (except she's not thinking about the same Dave he is) and she has no idea what to make of this new information. Dave was funny and this guy was just kind of... Well. The crown seemed a little fitting.]

Maybe-- a louder timer would be helpful, if you try again.

[That's literally all she's got.]

[plushrumpus]

nah.
i just gotta do all this shit myself.
cant trust assistants with the important stuff yknow.

text. 1/2

[ornerycaps]

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
WAIT
OH GOD. ARE WE REALLY BRINGING UP THIS HOMOSEXUAL THING AGAIN?
THAT'S WHAT A GAY IS RIGHT????????
NO DON'T EVEN ANSWER THAT I ALREADY KNOW.
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF LOOKING IT UP FOR MY NOTES A WHILE BACK WHEN JOHN DECIDED HE WAS GOING TO BE LUDICROUSLY INCOMPETENT AND WASTE ALL OF OUR TIMES.
SO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN, ARE THEY IN A MATESPRITSHIP OR WHAT?
FINALLY, SOMEONE LISTENS TO MY SHIPPING CHART WHEN I SAID THAT IT WAS ONLY THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
WE CAN NOW CUT THE MEANINGLESS BORING BULLSHIT IN THIS PLANET, OR PORT OR WHATEVER AND MOVE ON IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!
I'LL BET THAT'S WHY STRIDER WAS SO QUICK ON WANTING TO FUCK OFF WHEN I DREW THE CHART IN THE FIRST PLACE.
LOOSK LIKE MY INCREDIBLE TACTICAL SKILLS AND MY ABILITY TO TELL ABOUT THESE THINGS PAID OFF.
SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING KARKAT!!!!!
BUT NO, HE HAD TO PLAY HARD TO GET AND TAKE THIS LONG FOR SOMETHING TO FINALLY WORK OUT.
I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS, IT'S ABOUT *FUCKING* TIME.
NOW WE'LL HAVE TO PUSH JOHN IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
REALLY, I'M PRETTY FUCKING SURPRISED STRIDER GOT THERE FIRST.
MAYBE I'LL HAVE TO RETHINK WHO'S MORE INTELLIGENT ONCE AGAIN BUT I STILL SAY THEY'RE BOTH A TIE IN THE IDIOT DEPARTMENT.
STILL, LOOKS LIKE I WAS WRONG ABOUT THAT.

text. 2/2

[ornerycaps]

SO WHERE'S THE SNARKY ONE, WE MIGHT AS WELL GET THIS FUCKING OVER WITH.

text.

[uncertainty]

uHHH,,,