sirenspull | 005 Tracking

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005 Tracking

So . . . if you work for the companies, are you going to do what they say?

Locked to Ahiru, Gilbert, Kaito, and probably Joe.

I know almost none of you like me working for them anyway, and I don't really either, but . . . right now I really want to keep my job. But if I affiliate, then what? Especially if I want to get out later?

I don't like the tracking. I don't even know if I could pass a "loyalty screening," whatever that is.

I'm worried. But I have to figure out what to do fast.

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Mm . . . [This is Aoko wanting not to be negative, but not sounding entirely convinced.]

But . . . they're still doing stuff like that. Aren't they?

They are, but things have gotten better, and they're still getting better. You don't have to be in danger.

[Silence for some time.]

'M sorry. I'm making Ahiru worry.

What? Don't apologize, you were just trying to do the best thing!

'M always trying to do the best thing.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what "the best thing" is any more.

[There's a lot of truth to that. For Aoko, it used to be what was right was right and what was wrong was wrong. These days, it seems like there are far too many shades of gray.]

I know what you mean, but... I think you're probably a better judge of that kind of thing than you're giving yourself credit for, Aoko.

Mm . . . [She pinks a bit, though that's not something Ahiru can see.} Thanks.

I guess . . . I'm just starting to think sometimes you know what the right thing is, but it's not always the thing you can or should do.

Did you ever hear of the Heinz dilemma?

Why can't you do the right thing?

No, I haven't.

Ah -- I'm just talking more in general!

The Heinz dilemma . . . I read about it in school. Like . . . a man has a sick wife. The pharmacy where he can get the medicine won't sell it to him because he can't afford it, and they won't help him pay, even when he can pay part of it. So should he steal the drug to help his wife?

'S . . . not always easy.

Well... I think that depends on how sick she is.

She'd die without it.

Then of course he should. I mean, stealing is better than letting someone die.

Even if that really put him in danger? Even if he could get caught by the police?

If it were me, I'd rather save the person I love, even if it meant me going to jail.

Really?

How could I live with myself if I knew I could have saved them and didn't?

[The answer still surprises her, but . . . somehow it's reassuring.]

Thank you . . .

[She pauses, a bit surprised herself.]

Me? For what?

[That's harder to explain, especially without all the complication that goes with it. So it takes a minute for her to reply.]

Because . . . it's always felt like it should be the other way to me, no matter what. And sometimes . . . I guess it's hard to forgive myself for wanting the way you said so badly.

[A quick breath, and she swipes at her eyes with the back of her hand. Strangely enough, they feel like they're stinging.]

My dad's a police inspector. Back home. I guess . . . some of the choices I've had to make here, it's hard to feel like I'm not disappointing him.

Oh my gosh, don't say that! I'm sure he would be proud of you... You're a really amazing person, Aoko.

[The feathers on her arms twitch, tingle with a sudden itch.]

'M not really. I'm not always proud of me.

But . . . I try?

I think it's harder to see the good things in yourself than it is to see the good things in other people. I hope someday you can be proud of you all the time. I think you deserve it.

I think . . . you're right on the first part.

On the rest . . . thank you.

I hope Ahiru is proud of herself too.

[Though Aoko can't see the smile, it's evident enough in her voice.]

I am. But it took a really long time for me to get there, so... I know how hard it is. But I know you can get there, too, and I bet all your friends want to help you just as much as I do.

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005 Tracking

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