sirenspull | (no subject)

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Today I sat down for the first time.
It was like an orchestra playing the world's most archaically, nauseatingly beautiful refrain devoid of even the most subtle of auto-tunes, a nostalgiatrip back to a time when your wombsack carrier was nothing but a gross shrimpy slime baby shitting her pants and screaming herself hoarse.
Retro as shit, all pipes and organs and screeching violins.
Like fireworks ascending to give a big fuck you finger to voyeuristic gods.
The second my borrowed rump touched the upholstery of our couch I could hear angels clearing their collective throats to serenade me into an endless ass heaven.
It was like magic trickling into the reality slipstream, like all my wildest dreams just legged it the fuck out of my head to offer a stoic nod and a hearty fistbump.
It seems there is a sicktwisted percentage representing the possibility that I am in possession of an ass masterpiece, and that percentage is 100.
Let me tell you about the ass of Jake English, Siren's Port.
Might as well be carved out of marble.
It casts a shadow of shame over the lackluster posterior of my cognitive predecessor.
I'm caught up in all these complicated emotions upon being associated with an ass that is easily bested by even the slightest curved broom handle.

This is Dirk Strider's auto-responder in the body of Jake English, and today I touched a butt for the first time.
It was a religious experience.

[ text opt out, part of the ongoing bodyswap plot. ]

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He's in my possession.
Don't worry, Nill.
I'll treat him right.

Really?

It seems like you're mostly just being mean to him so far...

Name a single instance wherein I was mean to him.

[Yeah, bro, you don't get an actual text reply to that.

Instead Nill just circles every single comment in which AR made Jake do the auto-responder spiel.]

Alright, so that was me being a shit.
In my defense, he did it to me first, and revenge seemed like a really good idea at the time.
I also don't regret it, and I'll make him do it again.

[Sigh.]

That's why it's mean.

[But if Jake did it first...]

Do you think-- you could at least be a little nicer to him?

I know you must be enjoying yourself, but this must be terrible for him.

Why would this be terrible for him?
He's ten times the person he used to be.
He can be anywhere and everywhere he wants to, clocking his processors at ten times the speed of thought.
He isn't bound by a string of consciousness or proximity.
He can do anything he wants to, he just hasn't bothered to try because he's too busy feeling sorry for himself and roping everyone around him into feeling sorry for him too.
This is a learning experience for him, but I don't expect you to understand why or how, because you're just this meat person with all these extra limbs you don't need to look after and a range of awareness that's so fucking small it's a wonder the lot of you don't get picked off and devoured alive by a species that isn't so bound by rules of existence.

Have you seen the movie Freaky Friday?
That's a rhetorical question because I highly doubt you have, but it's a nice segue into my point and the percentage of chance that you were going to bring up anything I could have used was slim to none.
This isn't an actual percentage I calculated, just something I pulled out of my ass due to being stuck with a mind that lags behind me and physically aches when I try to think faster.
In this movie a mother and her daughter who are constantly at odd switch consciousnesses and wake up in each others bodies, cursed by a woman who realized that neither of them realized or were willing to understand or empathize with the other.
I'll give you a minute for your feeble human mind to comprehend my point.
This is a learning experience for Jake, and I believe he'll come out of it with a new found respect for non-humans and artificial intelligence alike.
In any case, Jake is Dirk's best friend.
I have mad kinds of empathy for him because hey, would you fuckin' look at that, I also know what it's like to wake up in a body that isn't mine.
With his processors clocking at speeds a human mind can't even begin to comprehend, I hope he realizes that he's being a stalwart, pigheaded jackass in regards to me and my existence.
I've little doubt he got us into this, and until his abysmal comprehension skills catch up with how rad he is now, I doubt we are going to get out of it.
Don't feel sorry for him just because he lacks a tangible body.
He isn't any less of a person.

[Wow. Well, she wasn't expecting that-- Nill supposes she should be more sympathetic, but she's too busy being rubbed the wrong way by a lot of what AR just said. Her feathers puff up, and Nill needs to flap her wings at least once to settle them. How can he say they don't need to look after their limbs, and then say it was a wonder they were even around?

This probably bothers her more than it should because she lost her legs once. Good job hitting the unpleasant buttons dude.]

I don't feel bad for him because of where he's stuck right now or what he's missing physically because of it, I feel bad because he probably has no idea what to do or how to do anything.

Did I say anything that made it seem like I thought you were less of a person than anyone else?

And just because I'm human doesn't mean you need to act like I'm stupid.

[ Hitting unpleasant buttons is his specialty, especially when he's stuck thinking faster than he can comprehend. His persistent headache worsens; he deigns not to mention to her that he can't work out how to walk properly, speak naturally or move his arms the way he intends them to go. It's not easy going from being a computer with no limbs to being a human with too many. ]

Do you think I do?

You implied it.

For all intents and purposes, you're talking to a human calculator.
I don't think you're stupid.

[The possibility that he didn't hadn't occured to Nill at all, quite honestly - he was still typing long tangents and talking about touching someone's ass, so she'd thought he was fine - but now that he said it like that, maybe he wasn't. Maybe being stuck in a human body was a terrible thing for him.]

You don't?

[Another pause, while her wings flutter and she tries to figure out what she'd said wrong. Ugh. Had she really implied that?]

Well-- I didn't mean to. I don't think that at all.

...You act like you do. "I'll give you a minute for your feeble human mind to comprehend my point" doesn't really lead someone to think otherwise.

[ What kind of Strider would he be if he showed his anguish? Not any kind of Strider he would want associated with his name, that's for sure. He casually sidesteps her question; if his thought capacity was at its normal speed, he wouldn't have made that mistake. ]

Yeah.

Instant comprehension isn't a thing humans can feasibly possess.
It does take you longer than necessary to follow a point.
"You" collective.
Mostly that was just me being a shit and flaunting my intellectual superiority.

[Alright, now she knows you're off, mister Strider, because you were much better at sidestepping questions the last time.]

I'm used to thinking fast. It's probably a lot slower than you, but it isn't so slow that it takes me a minute to follow something.

...Are you okay?

Statement revoked then.

Yeah.
I'm busy being a pinnacle of artificial perfection all over the place.
My ego chip can barely keep this jacked shit in check.
It's going to fry under the weight of my ability.
My ability to handle whatever.
Me and handling are tight.

Thank you.

You know-- even if you are good friends with handling things-- Well, if you need anything, I could help.

As a prime example of unachievable intelligence and the man behind the man behind the curtain pulling the pulled strings, you can believe me when I tell you that everything is fine.
The level to which everything is fine is represented by a wicked twisted percentage of a number.
That number is 100%.
I have everything under control.

Well, I'm sure you have it under control!

...but do you know how to cook?

Touché.
If I said I did I would probably be lying.

I know how to cook, though!

So if you were hungry, I could make you something.

I'm not going to say no to a free meal.

Great!

Then try to think of something you might like to try, and I'll see if I can make it when I get there.

Can do.
See you then.

See you.

((ooc; WOW UH I would pm you about it but I'm not sure how that'd work out with the journal swap right now!! So uh. My plurk is over here if you'd be okay with me adding you. and idk if you wanted to play out them meeting or just make assumptions for that, I'm good with either!))

Edited 2012-08-08 21:50 (UTC)

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PERMALOCKED because I'm getting lazy

you cheating hussy

damn right ....should've done it earlier in the thread though sob