† ONE [voice] - backdated to Friday morning

[upstairsbrain]

[ Hello, world. Meet new arrival, Sam Winchester. But you might not know that it's him, because he's not showing his face yet, and: ]

This is Agent Murdock. [ He clears his throat, pausing a moment. ] If anyone's out there, and can hear me, or needs help... just let me know. I'm sort of at a loss, here, and I'd like some information. If this thing is even working, that is.

[ He's confident in his tech abilities, but something's definitely up with his phone. ]

... Thanks.

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[servingfather]

[For a moment all Michael does is wrap her arms around Mary tightly as if the woman will slip through her grasp if she lets go even a little bit. She lets the silent crying and wordless confessions go on for a minute before finally giving Mary her voice back. It's time for all of it to be let out into the universe for all to see and hear - all of the crap that Mary's been thrown into with the chaos this world brings.

One hand comes up to brush comfortingly over that dirty-blond head as she tucks her chin solidly against the woman's shoulder. While her current vessel appears small, there's a supernatural strength capable of taking all of Mary's weight if need be. Michael's always kind of understood, it's why he generally appears as someone else around her because John's face is a reminder of what she had - of what she couldn't have anymore.]

I know. Let it all out, I'm here for you.

[momchester]

[And she does, she cries as hard as she can for a stupidly long time, sobbing into Michael's shoulder about anything and everything that runs through her mind. It's a torrent of her innermost demons and deepest sorrows, the wounds that run deepest and will never heal.]

-I'll never see them again and he doesn't get it, he hates me for it he thinks I'm a bad mother and all I want is just- to just- to hold them again and tell them I love them and say goodbye just once. [She kind of loses it for a minute after that, and resolves into-] -I lost my family and I'm not even allowed to act like it. I can't hurt for them because I need to be a mom to these people and I don't know how. They're everything I always promised wouldn't. I. I died for that, and they still grew up broken, there's nothing I can do about it. And Sam-

-[She actually looks up at Michael for this one.]

He was the first person I saw here. I got rescued from the Darkness and then when I posted he was the first... person to answer me. [She wipes tears from her eyes, rather pointlessly as she's still crying.] He was so good and he took me out to breakfast and he was the first face I saw and then he told me and I was so proud of him for going to Stanford.

I- [Crying again.] I don't think I ever really knew him. He had that. Demon blood. Angel. Everything, I didn't know him, they all told me over and over that it wans't really him but Michael, I don't have anything else. [Desperately] He's the only Sam I know. And he's gone. I'll never see him again.

[servingfather]

[Michael is silent the entire time Mary pours her heart out to him, arm wrapped tight and fingers carding softly.]

John doesn't realize that just like you were ripped from them, they were ripped from you. It's a family of strangers and you can grow to love them too but it's not the same as seeing them grow up. Broken or not, they love each other and they love you. No matter what you see or learn, remember that and that I'm here when you need me.

[She caresses Mary's cheek gently again.]

We all lose people we care about, but you get the chance to see Sam not only at his worst but also at his best. I've seen him, Mary. I've watched them both grow up and maybe they didn't have the life you wanted but your sons stand together no matter what the odds. They save people.

[momchester]

They shouldn't have had to. They should have had the chance to be happy and safe like everyone else. I would die again a thousand times to make that happen.

[She looks up at him, leaning into the touch with wide eyes, like she's trying to convince him. Begging him to believe that she would.]

I don't know how to make John understand. I can barely talk to him. All he sees is himself and his own pain- and it's not even about me anymore. He doesn't see me. He sees what he wanted me to be. It's all about him losing me, but now that he has me it's still all about him. He doesn't realize that I'm real. I'm a person with feelings and they can be nasty, he doesn't get it. I'm just... [Shaking her head and looking down cynically.] The disappointing shadow cast by the wife he thought he had. He didn't know me then, and I don't know if he wants to know me now. Not really.

[servingfather]

[It kind of stings to talk about what should have happened, what kind of lives they have had.] It's not John's fault and you can't blame him for it. I'm sorry, Mary. My problems spilled over into your family because I wanted it to all end, because I thought it was the right thing to do for everyone and you and your family paid the price. However, I do not have the authority to re-write history. Not even I can stop Fate and Death from doing their jobs. [A pause because Michael does believe it but it won't change anything now.] I know you would but it too wouldn't change anything.

John's been chasing a ghost of a woman he thought he knew because you never told him. He was a man possessed by all the things you kept secret and his grief has consumed him for so long. It's hard to see beyond that sometimes but John has it in him to do so. He may just need a nudge.