† ONE [voice] - backdated to Friday morning

[upstairsbrain]

[ Hello, world. Meet new arrival, Sam Winchester. But you might not know that it's him, because he's not showing his face yet, and: ]

This is Agent Murdock. [ He clears his throat, pausing a moment. ] If anyone's out there, and can hear me, or needs help... just let me know. I'm sort of at a loss, here, and I'd like some information. If this thing is even working, that is.

[ He's confident in his tech abilities, but something's definitely up with his phone. ]

... Thanks.

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[momchester]

Yeah... [She frowns slightly.] You know about me, don't you?

[Oh man, what if he doesn't? What time is he even from?]

[upstairsbrain]

... Yeah. [ He frowns slightly, in return. ] Dean told me.

[ He hasn't seen it for himself. Not yet. ]

[momchester]

Okay.

[She starts to talk, but the elevator dings. She leads him out into the hallway with a frown and lets herself into Dean's apartment.]

Come on, this is where Dean's staying.

[Mary steers him to the couch, sits him down, and looks at him, trying valiantly not to cry. One hand goes to his cheek, the other clasping his hand on his knee, eyes searching his intently.]

Sam. I want you to understand that I made every decision that brought that demon into that nursery. You were just a baby. I made that bed and I am so sorry that you were forced to lie in it.

[upstairsbrain]

[ No. Nonononono, she's apologizing for what he did to her, and he can't. Sam's eyes again sting with withheld tears, and he draws a stuttered breath before countering her, scrambling to find the right words. ]

No. Mom, you... this is my fault, and I'm... I'm the reason that monster was there, and you didn't deserve that. You could've lived, like you were supposed to.

[ There's a twinge of anger, at himself. She deserved to live a thousand times over, whereas he was the demon-blooded kid, the one who should've been dead for years. It would've been better that way. ]

[momchester]

No. [It comes out as a hiss.] No. Sam.

[She shakes her head earnestly, her hand working into his hair and gripping him tighter, as she brings him closer to make sure he gets every forced-out word.]

I made a deal with a demon. I was- an adult, and I should have known better. [She takes a labored breath, struggling not to hate herself too much. Not to cry.] My parents raised me to know better. Even worse, I made a deal where the terms were unclear. I didn't even know what I was bargaining- all I knew was that in ten years, that demon would be back to take something he said I wouldn't miss.

[She's gritting her teeth in anger, grief, a thousand different facets of pain shining in her eyes at the sound of her own child (Sam) apologizing for living that night.]

I made that deal and that's why the demon came for you at all. It couldn't have gotten in the house if it weren't for me. [She tries to blink back tears but it's too late, they're stinging her eyes and burning her cheeks with every word.] I am so sorry. I walked into the the nursery that night and saw a demon bent over my baby's crib and- I thought he was taking you. Sam, I would have done the same thing over again, a thousand different times. Sam, please don't blame yourself for me ruining your life, please.

[She wouldn't normally fall apart like this, but her mental stability was hanging by a thread when he got here, and this combination of triggers and traumas has pushed her into full-on crying while holding him and gripping his hand like she means to break it.]

[upstairsbrain]

No-- Mom, no. [ He's definitely his mother's son. ] You didn't-- there's no way you ruined my life. There's not-- I--

[ He has to look away a minute, mouth twisted in an attempt to keep out the dry sob that's lodged in his throat. That she could possibly think she'd ruined his life when, despite what she's said, he was the reason she had been killed? ]

That's not it. [ Does she know? She has to. ] It's not just that, I'm... People die around me. All the time. People I love. And it's because of me, not them. I'm this twisted, messed-up thing, and it's always going to come back to me.

[ He swallows, grief building in his throat, burning him like acid. ]

I'm Lucifer's vessel. [ His heart pounds with the meaning of his words, ones he just heard so, so recently. ] No matter what happened in the nursery, I'm sure-- I'm sure something would've happened to you, to everyone. To get to me, to make me into--

[ He cuts off, unable to go on. ]

... I shouldn't be here, right. I'm putting you in danger again.

[momchester]

Sam. [Sharply- shockingly so.] Stop it. You are not going anywhere, do you understand me? You will not leave me- [again.] -or John. [Nice save.] Don't do that. Don't put that on yourself.

[She forces herself to soften, unsuccessfully. Whatever the truth may be in her words, it's obvious that there's something less than okay about Mary.]

Jessica was not your fault, and neither was I.

[Her hand tightens around his.]

Nobody forced Azazel and Lucifer to do what they did. You can't blame anyone but them, sweetie. You weren't even born yet when I sold away your future.

Sam, you can't lay this all on yourself. You didn't do anything to deserve the hand life dealt you. Our family is cursed because I cursed it. It's nothing you did wrong.

[upstairsbrain]

[ Jessica. Oh, God, no. His throat closes up with the shock of the word, his mind flitting immediately back to when he'd first encountered Lucifer, how the bastard had taken her form. Brief, hot anger flares up in his stomach, mingling with the grief of everything, and he has to take a moment to breathe, to let things settle, before he can speak again. ]

If you hadn't saved Dad, I wouldn't even be here at all. [ Well, it's true. ] ... We've all made choices, right? And, for better or worse...

[ He turns back to her, expression softening, some of the angst of earlier finally ebbing. ]

If there's no blame on me, then there's no way that there's any on you. You were just trying to protect your family, every time.

[ Sam squeezes her hand, gently. ]

Thank you. For that. For everything.