Dean- Dean doesn't know me. Dean hasn't been here, Dean leaves- Sam, please.
[Sam was the first one here and the only one who stayed the whole time until he didn't, until he went crazy and was gone for months, and it makes her want to hold on with a half-crazed desperation she doesn't understand and doesn't know what to do with. It feels like it isn't coming from her. Surely it's some other woman feeling this pain, someone whose parents died in front of her and whose son threw himself to the Darkness, someone else.
But even she, with her patched-over and tampered-with memories, she: she lost her parents (dad went crazy and killed her mother, then himself), herself (a robber in the nursery), her son to Darkness, her friend Tom Hanniger to insanity and the Pull, the person she trusted most to the cold knowledge that he lied, her husband to his own brutality, her son to something hideous that she doesn't understand.
So yes, even as she is, this small refusal makes her panicked beyond rationality that he'll leave again. That he'll leave her alone to drown. Now, when she doesn't even have herself to hang onto, no trustworthy sense of self to stay afloat.]
no subject
[Sam was the first one here and the only one who stayed the whole time until he didn't, until he went crazy and was gone for months, and it makes her want to hold on with a half-crazed desperation she doesn't understand and doesn't know what to do with. It feels like it isn't coming from her. Surely it's some other woman feeling this pain, someone whose parents died in front of her and whose son threw himself to the Darkness, someone else.
But even she, with her patched-over and tampered-with memories, she: she lost her parents (dad went crazy and killed her mother, then himself), herself (a robber in the nursery), her son to Darkness, her friend Tom Hanniger to insanity and the Pull, the person she trusted most to the cold knowledge that he lied, her husband to his own brutality, her son to something hideous that she doesn't understand.
So yes, even as she is, this small refusal makes her panicked beyond rationality that he'll leave again. That he'll leave her alone to drown. Now, when she doesn't even have herself to hang onto, no trustworthy sense of self to stay afloat.]